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Bachelor Nation,

The first ever quaran-season has finally drawn to a close. And dare I say it, after the slog that was the middle few episodes of Tayshia’s reign, this two-night finale was one of the most personally satisfying and tear-jerking in the show’s history. Could it be recency bias? Sure. Have I been metaphorically locked inside my apartment since March? Absolutely. But the ends justified the means this time and for that, I am forever grateful. Let’s go.

Night One: All You Had To Do Was Stay

The show picks up with Fantasy Suite dates on the horizon and, wouldn’t you know it, Ivan, Zac, and Brendan are all staying in the same suite and forced to confront that they’re all spending overnight time with Tayshia. These Bachelor producers have no shame. JoJo Fletcher, who is still hanging around the La Quinta after Chris returned from his sabbatical, arrives to briefly talk Tayshia through what happens during Fantasy Suite week. In a not at all shocking twist, none of them eat the bread basket that adorns their table. …


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Bachelor Nation,

Welcome to Whose Blog Is It Anyway?, the place where everything’s made up and the points don’t matter. That’s right; the points are just like taking a few weeks off because you needed it and also the show was annoying so there was some benefit to this mini-sabbatical. Just call it a mental health vacation without a psychotic Kathy Bates and no padded room. Nothing much was missed: Bennett blissfully went home twice, Blake managed to last longer than Riley, and Dr. Joe was sacrificed so that he could be on the next season of Paradise. And if he’s not, I will ruin someone’s life. Not sure who yet, the list is rather lengthy. …


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Bachelor Nation,

I’ll be honest with you — I nearly forgot this episode was on tonight. It’s one of those weeks where every day feels like the day it’s not, and I think yesterday felt like a Wednesday. This whole Bachelorette Tuesday is really throwing off my groove. I have my therapy appointments every Tuesday; I can’t hold on to all this drama for a full week before I talk to a man who cannot care about a heavily edited network reality show. And yet, because I pay for these appointments, he is forced to do so.

I’m obviously kidding. We’re more on a recipe-sharing level. America the beautiful, indeed. …


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Bachelor Nation,

Our long national nightmare is over. Tayshia’s season is finally upon us, and after this turbulent year in every imaginable way, I can honestly say nothing would make me happier than a boring, standard, boilerplate Bachelorette season. Please, Lord, we need this gift. Let’s go.

Tayshia entered and the guys looked absolutely ecstatic. She greeted them one by one at the table, and we learned more about each one in approximately four minutes than we had all season? Ivan, I’ve been seeing you in the background but I’m glad you’re finally getting justice. Zac C., I see you too, boo. Mop top turtleneck hipster Steve Jobs? …


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Bachelor Nation,

Before we get to this week’s episode, I have some things to say. Yes, this column is late once again. Election Day was Tuesday, which meant this week’s episode of The Bachelorette was pushed to Thursday. I could have had the column up on Friday morning, but between working the polls and awaiting results, this week has been a long year. And then Saturday morning came. It was the one day I didn’t wake up and immediately check social media or turn on cable news. At around 10:30 CT, my sister called and said, “They called it. CNN just called it.” I didn’t believe her at first, and then I turned on MSNBC. Then my mom called. …


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Bachelor Nation,

This franchise used to provide an escape from the daily life. And yet, every Tuesday, I feel myself emotionally drained from simply existing in this *gestures widely* world and unable to take on someone else’s emotional journey to find love. Especially Clare’s because hers is…high maintenance. Also my upstairs neighbor insists on turning the bass up on his tunes entirely too high and well, my ceiling’s been vibin’ since he moved in. If you see me on social media with a broom in-hand know there’s a dent on my ceiling for both stress relief and passive aggressive communication. It’s the apartment version of “Hey you kids, get off my lawn.” …


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Bachelor Nation,

This franchise is, by nature, an absolutely cringeworthy massacre of gargantuan proportions. We all know this. And yet, somehow, last night’s episode might have been the most physically uncomfortable I’ve ever been and I watched the entire Jake and Vienna breakup special. Once again, I’m forced to retract all the nice things I said just one week prior and my batting average on positive premature announcements remains at .010. So it’s only fair that, together, we all relive these indelible moments that likely haunted our dreams. Let’s go.

The guys officially move in to the La Quinta Resort and Spa in Palm Springs. Canadian Blacon, a wildlife expert per his Bachelorette job title, says there’s lots of lizards there that he’s not used to in Canada. We’re barely two minutes in and this episode is already shaping up to be a great backdoor pilot to “Does Blake Know This Animal?” …


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Bachelor Nation,

We may not be in the Bachelor mansion. We might not even be in Agoura Hills. But this felt as close to a classic Bachelorette premiere as we could afford, and I, for one, welcome this manufactured chaos back into my life. Whatever shape it takes, it’s good to be back. Let’s go.

Aaaaaand my good will towards this show has already been torpedo’ed. Before we get to the fun stuff, Chris Harrison and the Bachelorette producers felt it was important to remind us that production was shut down due to COVID-19. Y’know COVID? The pandemic that’s raging through the world? The one that’s preventing us from living regular life? Lol okay, thought you forgot! …


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Bachelor Nation,

First order of business: you better be voting on November 3, and it better be for Joe Biden and Kamala Harris. If you want to understand why you should vote for Biden/Harris, I’m more than happy to have that conversation. If you’re going straight to the comments to rant about President Cheeto Puff, save your breath. My patience is non-existent and I have the time today. If you need literally any information about voting, go to VoteSaveAmerica.com. Thank you for your time.


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Bachelor Nation,

In a truly shocking turn of events, the upcoming season of The Bachelorette might end up actually being the most dramatic one of all time. While the rumor mill often swirls during a season’s filming featuring blurry photos of public dates, there have been no spoilers leaked due to COVID-19 filming regulations keeping Clare Crawley and her men locked down in a Palm Springs resort. But there’s one revelation that was so seismic, it forced ABC’s hand to confirm in the middle of filming.

Clare Crawley has been replaced as The Bachelorette by Tayshia Adams.

In a franchise that’s seen nearly every possible turn of events and ending, this is one that creates so much pause and confusion, we may never know everything that’s actually gone down. But we’re going to attempt to dissect this, complete with a few theories to kick around. Fair warning: there’s a bit of tin-foil hat energy coming your way. Let’s go. …

About

Marissa Driscoll

Chicago comedian and pop-culture lover, especially The Bachelor. Pro-corgi. Anti-horse. On Twitter @marissasayswhat. To quote Jeb Bush, "Please clap."

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