Bachelor in Paradise Week 1: High Friends in Low Places
Hello Bachelor Nation,
We meet again (…one day later). Becca’s journey to find love might be over, but our favorite summer camp is just beginning. That’s right — last night was the premiere of Bachelor in Paradise, and it was just as debaucherous as we were hoping. Let’s go.
Tia is the first to arrive in Paradise (because of COURSE she is) and others quickly follow suit. Deep breath — here’s our initial cast: Eric, Kendall, Jordan, Bibiana, Grocery Joe, Wills, Chelsea, Chris, Krystal (with her new voice), Kevin, Venmo John, Nysha (whoever the f*ck that is), Angela (huh?), Nick, Kenny, Astrid, Annaliese, and David the Chicken.
And they waste no time making connections. Kendall and Grocery Joe bond over…having a picnic in a cemetery? Whatever floats your boat. But then he starts hitting it off with Krystal, and Kendall is connecting with Venmo John. I’ve never related more to Meredith Grey than this moment because Kendall is living my McDream on this McBeach.
It’s abundantly clear to everyone that Tia is waiting for Colton to show up, and that becomes a big challenge when she receives the first date card of the season. She says Colton’s name approximately 46 times in 45 seconds while pondering the meaning of this date card at the ocean’s edge. “I came here to find something real, serious, and lasting,” she says. Oh honey, you’d have better luck with that on Tinder. But the moment arrives to make a decision, and she picks…Chris?!
Sorry, I just briefly short-circuited. Anyway. As they leave for their date, Krystal tells producers in her interviews that she’s interested in Joe. And like clockwork, Joe grabs Kendall for a little one-on-one time. They proceed to giggle their way through what could be considered a conversation, though both Kendall and I aren’t sure anything substantive was said. But that’s the Bachelor-franchise at its core — you meet someone good looking, giggle and make out for weeks, then you find out they work as a clown and voted for someone terrible. Yet none of that matters, because Kendall and Joe are the first to kiss in Paradise. I *sniffle* hope you’re very happy *sniffle* in your life together *honk*.
Even more couples are forming in Paradise, including Annaliese and Venmo John, and Kevin and Krystal. Kevin and Krystal — who honestly might actually be a great match — connect on another one of Mexico’s most romantic day beds, and share a smooch. And that brings us to our Quote of the Week.
“Kevin has pillow lips. I did not experience pillow lips on my season of The Bachelor, but I now know what pillow lips are and I appreciate them.” — Krystal
Hold up right there, you vocal shapeshifter. I distinctly remember you calling Arie “Pillow Lips” at least once during your season, likely a few weeks before you bestowed the “Needle D*ck” moniker on him. So don’t try to sit here and gaslight me — I’m essentially The Bachelor Oracle, which is not something I should tell people at parties unless I want them to back away slowly. Oh and another thing: when did it become weird to call someone a good kisser and instead switch to “pillow lips?” Is there some Glamour article I missed? Just say he clearly uses Chapstick. It’s not rocket science.
Meanwhile, in yonder palapa, Nick is going hard at Chelsea. He breathes out the sentence, “Chelsea’s a snack” in his interviews, which is news to me because she looks nothing like a Cheez-It. He professes over and over again how attracted he is to Chelsea, while simultaneously forgetting her son’s name in interviews and cursing up a storm. Nick finally says, “Had I felt you wanted to make out with me, I would have made out with you by now,” to which Chelsea replies, “I think I’m going to go to bed.”
Look — I don’t care if that editing or real; that was the best. So now, I’d like to introduce a new award: Episode Winner (No Chicken Dinner). And this week’s honor goes to…Chelsea! This moment was Bachelor in Paradise’s version of Indiana Jones fighting that ninja in the market. The ninja’s pulling out all these fancy moves trying to intimidate Indiana Jones, who is having none of it, and Indy just shoots him in the chest. It was visual poetry, and Nick ends the evening by belly-flopping into the pool, likely to test that he can still feel something. God I love this show.
So much has happened that I nearly forgot Chris and Tia were on a date. He openly asks Tia about her and Colton, to which she lies — I’m sorry, says — that it’s behind her. The only thing that’s behind you is your tush, Tia. Sorry to break it to you. They watch fireworks and share a kiss, bringing Tia’s Becca’s Ex-Boyfriends Number to two.
The next morning, everything is bright and shiny, and then like it was written in the stars, Colton shows up. Even without the extensive promos of him crying, you knew this had to happen. But like the little skeeze he is, Colton talks to every girl but Tia upon his arrival. He spends the longest time with Angela, whose hair is lovely but her giggle is making my skin crawl. Just when it seems like he’s taking her out, he does an about face and asks Tia to join him on the date.
Chris takes to the bar with Jordan and Wells to get some advice, which presents an opportunity for a new award on Bachelor in Paradise: What Did Jordan Just Say? Let’s be honest with ourselves — it’d be a runaway contest for Jordan to win QOTW every episode. So let’s give the man what he deserves: his own award. This week’s might have been one of my favorite things he’s ever said.
“Colton showing up is Chris’s personal Vietnam.“ — Jordan
A monologue ensues, reading like a deleted scene from Tropic Thunder, which is probably his favorite movie (and that would explain a lot). Jordan might have been annoying on The Bachelorette, but he was made for Bachelor in Paradise.
Back on the beach, everyone is discussing Tia and Colton, hoping that Colton just goes home to avoid any drama. Good luck with that plan. On their date, Tia and Colton talk about their “relationship” on a boat, then release that sexual tension on a jet ski. And like it would happen any other way, they kiss. Yay. But it seems the men are planning a Game of Thrones-style massacre, so there’s clearly more coming up.
This week’s Personal Victimization Award goes to…no one. This episode was great, and I’m legitimately excited for this season. But trust me — if the promos are to be believed, there will be some hot contests for this award later this season.
Friendly reminder you’re getting one recap per week this season. Should be one heck of a ride.
Until then.
XOXO,
Recap Girl
