Bachelor in Paradise Week 2: The Grass Isn’t Always Greener
Happy Wednesday, Bachelor Nation!
I’ve encountered some challenges in my life, but none have compared to this attempt to condense two full episodes of Bachelor in Paradise to a single recap. Since this is an aggregate of two episodes, this could get bumpy. Put on your helmets. Let’s go.
We kick this episode off, where else, but with Colton and his women. Chris, Nick, Jordan, and Colton cross talk so much during this interaction that it begins to feel like a terrible reenactment of The Confrontation from Les Mis. To make a very long story short: Colton still likes Tia, but he’s also keeping his options open, but he can’t do either of those things because he’s still in love with Becca. This feels like a bullsh*t SAT question, which means I have no clue what’s happening.
Kenny gets the date card, and later on decides to take Krystal.They watch wrestling and smooch on a bench. This is inconsequential. NEXT!
In other news, Jordan and Annaliese make a connection, as well, and…*suppresses vomit* I don’t…hate it. Meanwhile, Kevin and Astrid are chatting and smooching (into it), while Colton plays football with Girl Whose Daddy Was A Football Coach (cannot find a f*ck to give).
Ahead of the rose ceremony, we’re seeing Kendall, Grocery Joe, and Venmo John in a light love triangle. While it looks like Grocery Joe is going to win this round, this is already the Bridget Jones’ Diary reboot I didn’t know I needed.
But it wouldn’t be a rose ceremony without drama between Colton and Tia. After having an extended conversation where Tia finally realizes Colton is not ready to commit to her, we get to the rose ceremony. And that’s when Bibiana brings the Bibi-drama and gives him her rose. HOW DARE SH — who are we kidding. He’s in this for the long haul.
Then…Becca rolls up in paradise. I like Becca, but holy hell, can we give it up?! To avoid rehashing everything, Colton gets the closure he needed, and we’re all ready to move on. Until some more bullsh*t happens with Tia.
Next new arrival in paradise is Jenna. While I thought they were bringing in Jenna Marbles, turns out this Jenna was on Arie’s season. Who knew? It doesn’t take her very long to provide some comedic relief, which brings us to our Quote of the Week:
“Being an alien is hard on earth, but then you also have the upper hand because you can read people’s minds and unzip your skin into your invisible… *shimmy* *giggle*” — Jenna
I don’t know what just happened, but one thing’s for sure — she and Jordan are made for each other. This means leaving Annaliese in the dust, but something tells me Annaliese will thank them later.
Because he can’t be contained, David of course tries to swoop in on Jenna. Bringing her a birthday cake, he flirts with Jenna right in front of Jordan’s face. Even more indicative of J+J’s connection, we arrive at Jordan’s Quote of the Week.
“He’s like the opposite of Mr. Rogers. I don’t want to be your neighbor. Mr. Rogers brought back television for children back in the day. And David has done literally nothing here. I’m Mr. Rogers.” — Jordan
I have no idea WHAT that metaphor was all about or where it came from, but considering Jenna’s alien monologue, they’re clearly a perfect match.
Caroline gets to paradise and takes Venmo John on her date, but just one day later, Jubilee arrives and snags his attention, as well. Kevin wonders aloud, “Two dates in two days? What’s John packing?” I’ll tell you what it is, Kevin — VENMO JOHN HAS BIG D*CK ENERGY. You heard me. And if you didn’t know, now you do. That’s why I’m proud to say Venmo John is this week’s Episode Winner (No Chicken Dinner). He went on two dates without making anyone particularly sad or angry, was genuinely interested in both ladies, and managed to emerge unscathed. Four for you, Venmo John. You go, Venmo John.
Just when we thought we were out, Chris, Krystal, Kenny, and Tia drudge up a love square. Krystal essentially tells Kenny to cool it on the romantic gestures, then makes out with Chris, unbeknownst to Tia. Earlier, Chris was telling Tia he was “all in” with her, so you can imagine she’s a bit perturbed. But then Colton tells her everything that happened, and we’re set up for a drama-filled week.
This week’s Personal Victimization Award goes to Chris and his self-imposed nickname “The Goose.” What in the actual f*ck is that? Geese are a-holes. They poop everywhere, they’re loud and annoying, and I hate them. So…actually I guess it’s the perfect nickname for Chris. Regardless, if Top Gun is to be believed, then I look forward to him metaphorically crashing and burning right into the ocean.
Next week should be a fun one because I truly have no idea where this season will take us. But I will most certainly be enjoying the ride.
Until then.
XOXO,
Recap Girl
