Bachelor in Paradise Week 4: Joe vs. the Volcano
Well Bachelor Nation,
This week in Mexico has been quite the doozy. We’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we’ve screamed into a pillow about toxic masculinity to avoid disturbing the neighbors. How this doesn’t happen every week, I’ll never know. Let’s go.
We pick up right where we left off with Love Triangle: Numero Uno featuring Jordan, Jenna, and Benoit. Recounting his night with Jenna to Joe, Jordan feels they’re in a good place. And then he spots her kissing Benoit and loses his whole mind. More on this later.
As if we didn’t have enough peacocking and overly masculine energy in paradise, Connor (the artist formerly known as Señor Tall Hair) arrives with every intent to date Krystal. Kicking off Love Triangle: The B-Side with Chris “the Goose” Who-the-F*ck-Cares, Krystal admits she came to paradise wanting to meet Connor and kept a piece of her heart open should he arrive. And sure enough, though she initially hesitates, he asks her on the date and she accepts. Just thinking about the rage blackout Chris might have is beyond exciting. I cannot eat my popcorn fast enough.
And then…he does nothing. Chris just lets her go on the date. Sure, while Connor and Krystal smooch in the ocean after their mystical sand cleanse date, Chris has a light emotional breakdown. But geese are known for being total a-holes, and this was one moment where Chris did not live up to that nickname.
When she returns from the date, Chris and Krystal rekindle their relationship and solidify their status as a couple in paradise. Krystal, sweetie, Connor gave you an out. Sure, he looks like a jar of pre-workout that went to Duke and blow dries his hair directly up with a round brush, but Chris made a whole choice with that facial hair (also he regularly gaslights women and has a bit of a temper but that’s not important right now). Let this be a lesson to you kids out there — always go for the hot dumb guy over the chauvinist. Always.
On the other side of the beach, Kenny confronts a parenting dilemma, as his daughter has a dance recital coming up and he wouldn’t feel right about missing it. He decides to leave and says an emotional goodbye to Annaliese, who might have dethroned Ashley I for tears shed on this show. No snark — that’s just good parenting sense. Good for you, Kenny. You go Kenny.
In other “Oh By the Way” news, Jubilee went home because Venmo John stuck her in the friend zone. SERIOUSLY? I’m giving this a mini-Personal Victimization Award. Why? Because we’ve devoted whole ass episodes to Tia and Colton’s bullsh*t, and Jubilee is relegated to a flashback departure package? It’s bad enough that this show is whiter than my legs in March, but give Jubilee the respect she deserves.
The next day, Kamil, who you might remember as the “social media participant,” arrives in paradise. With the women’s reaction to his descent onto the beach, you’d think Jon Bon Jovi just showed up in his prime. After much lobbying and with the scent of desperation wafting through the air like Pig Pen on Charlie Brown, he takes Annaliese on the date. This apparently fulfills all her wildest dreams for a partner (aka he’s a warm body) and they aggressively get their smooch on during this romantic jaunt through a waterfall.
Clearly sensing their camera time is low, Kevin tells Astrid he wants her to try dating other people. She naturally gets upset, which leads to a legitimately productive and healthy discussion about Kevin’s relationship scars and their feelings for each other. And that’s why they’re sharing this week’s honor for Episode Winner (No Chicken Dinner). I can’t remember the last time we saw this level of calm and understanding, not to mention a shout-out to therapy and its merits. I’m not saying I wish ill on their relationship, but this is a great back story for Kevin to become The Bachelor.
Returning briefly to Love Triangle: Numero Uno, Jenna and Jordan hash everything out, and she finally gives Benoit the boot. He’s v sad about it. Jordan is v excited about Benoit’s sadness.
And that brings us to this week’s main event. Joe vs. the Volcano. Who knew a deep cut from Tom Hanks’ filmography would provide the perfect analogy for Joe and Leo’s battle? While those two puff their chests out at each other and argue about whose hair is best for Kendall, she confides in Kevin and asks for advice. Being the dopey Canadian he is, Kevin lets it slip that Leo and Chelsea kissed, not thinking it’d be news to Kendall. I’ll let the WWE guy take it from here…
Turning his attentions from Joe to Kevin like the troll in Harry Potter who got hit in the head by a rock, Leo proceeds to Hulk-out all over our favorite Canadian. But Kevin won’t back down (and looks like a guy whose favorite song is “Won’t Back Down” by Tom Petty. Coincidence? I should say not). Leo and Kevin squabble for some time at the bar, and the argument concludes as Kevin delivers our Quote of the Week:
“In the words of Justin Trudeau: ‘Canadians — we are polite, we are reasonable, but we will not be pushed around.’ Leo, remember that. Go f*ck yourself.” — Kevin
Honestly, this episode could have been just that line, and it would have been my favorite of all time. That’s just how much I love Justin Trudeau.
Finally, Tarzan (Leo) turns his attentions to Jane (Kendall) to confront his smooch with Chelsea head on. LOL JUST KIDDING YOU KNOW HE DIDN’T DO THAT. He just sat with Kendall and didn’t just gaslight her. He dumped kerosene allllll over her pretty blonde hair and lit a comically large match to finish the job. But Kendall wasn’t having it, and managed to dodge most of his hits. Joe swoops in to save the day and his lady, and we’ve put Part One of this clusterf*ck to bed…for now.
The rest of this episode is a bit all over the place, so let’s try to condense a bit. Ahem:
- Benoit is still upset about Jenna and makes her cry because he has feelings and her feelings aren’t matching his, but his should take precedence. Jordan doesn’t like this because Jordan doesn’t like anything except Jenna. He confronts Benoit. Jordan calls Benoit a liar and Benoit calls Jordan a douche. Neither are wrong. Benoit is now pursuing Chelsea because she is everyone’s fifth choice in paradise. Chelsea deserves better.
- Eric gets the date card and immediately takes Angela. Have they been happening this whole time?!
- Kevin takes Astrid on a “sunset and chill” date because he’s adorable and they’re adorable and that’s all.
- Chris set up a yoga date so…Krystal could teach him yoga? Because it’s fun for her? I’m glad my dude understands his own logic because I sure don’t.
And now, we arrive back at the Joe/Kendall/Leo triangle. But wait — now Kendall is smooching with Venmo John. Does that make it a love…rhombus? Shapes are hard. After their liplock, Kendall runs back to Joe and finally tells him she just wants to focus on their connection. Joe has the patience of…well, of a man who has had to deal with a lot of slow people in a grocery store.
At that night’s cocktail party, Leo makes a toast saying he wants to get real. This isn’t MTV and you’re not on the Real World, bucko, but have at it. He goes on a tear about it being a shame that Kendall is “full of sh*t” and says, “Good luck with Grocery Store B*tch over there.”
When Leo storms off, Joe heads after him and an altercation ensues. Just in case you missed it (and god I hope you didn’t), a producer literally jumped over the camera and Joe to tackle Leo and prevent him from doing any crazy damage.The fight doesn’t last long, and Leo promptly leaves. I never thought this would happen, but Leo is easily worse than Chad from JoJo’s season.
In other very important news, Connor asked for a tequila soda in a champagne flute. I didn’t know someone’s drink of choice could say so much about them, but now that I’ve heard Connor’s, I can’t unsee how picture perfect that is for his overall brand. At the rose ceremony, Chelsea gives John her rose, and Benoit is sad. Moving on.
We conclude with two new arrivals in paradise — Olivia (who?) from Arie’s season takes John on a date. I wasn’t paying super close attention, but it looks like they crashed a quinceañera. While Colton and Tia work out together, Cassandra from Juan Pablo’s season arrives and takes Eric on a date. This upsets Angela, and because I didn’t realize they were a thing, I am not totally confident why. She tells him to “do whatever you want to do,” which everyone knows is girl-speak for “do what I want you to do.” Eric walked right into that bear trap.
I forgot when this happened, but Jordan’s Quote of the Week is almost too low brow for context:
“Wow, I am being a good boy. I’m a golden retriever and she’s a frisbee.” — Jordan
And now, for this week’s Personal Victimization Award. *clears throat* STOP PUTTING TOXIC MEN ON THIS SHOW, ABC. WE HAVE THE WORST OF THE BUNCH IN THE WHITE HOUSE (TRUMP) AND ON THE NEWS (ALL OF THEM EVERY DAY) AND WORKING FOR REDEMPTION IN THE COMEDY CELLAR (LOUIS CK) AND TELLING PEOPLE THEY’LL BE BACK SOONER THAN YOU THINK (MATT LAUER) AND I JUST WANT TO ESCAPE FOR TWO GODFORSAKEN HOURS OKAY?! THINK ABOUT IT.
Anyhoo — next week we’ll finally get Jared and Ashley’s proposal moment alongside many tears from everyone else on the beach. Should be a fun one…for everyone except Kevin.
Until then.
XOXO,
Recap Girl
