Bachelor in Paradise Week 5: I Want My Baby Back

Hello Bachelor Nation,

I trust we’re all still hungover from Colton’s announcement as The Bachelor, so I’ll do my best to whisper throughout this recap. Paradise was supposed to be a palate cleanser after that half-puke burp of a Good Morning America clip, and yet, our hopes were set too high. We should have known better. Let’s go.

After Eric accepts the date with Cassandra, it becomes clear that no man is safe from faulty logic this season. Upon their return, Angela pulls Cassandra aside for some girl talk where it’s discovered Eric is lying to both of them — he told Cassandra that he and Angela were just friends, while he told Angela he was “all in” with her. My condolences to anyone who had “all in” as a drinking game rule this week. But I’m here for Cassandra and Angela taking matters into their own hands. Nothing says “F*ck the Patriarchy” quite like forming a lady army against your common male enemy.

AT DAWN, WE RIDE.

And then, the moment we’ve really all been waiting for — Colton dumps Tia. Seeing as he was just announced as The Bachelor, I’m going to tap out on dissecting this one. Tia seems upset, but this breakup was inevitable regardless of Colton’s Bachelor selection.

Jenna, on the other hand, is ten kinds of distraught, and that’s when Jordan steps all the way up to the plate. Instead of trying to make her laugh her problems away, Jordan crawled onto the palapa with her, laid face down, and told her that her emotions were valid.

Did this white man have an overnight lobotomy? Did he Freaky Friday with Blake? No matter how irrational you might think your partner is being, if they’re sad or angry, validate their feelings. It goes a long way. A polite golf clap to you, Jordan.

In true Paradise fashion, someone is always out of the loop. This time it was Venmo John. This was one of the greatest moments in Paradise history — what began as an interview crashed by John on Jordan turned into both our Quote of the Week and Jordan’s Quote of the Week. Even if our resident dope said anything truly heinous this week, his involvement in this moment trumps all.

You read that right, folks. Venmo John was asleep this whole time and missed the Tia and Colton breakup. My man is living his best life. All I’m trying to say is in world of Erics, be a Venmo John.

I don’t know who this dude is, but he looks like he knows how to nap.

Kevin and Astrid, our steadiest couple in Paradise, share that they’re falling for each other just as Shushanna (Shu) and Christen arrive on the beach. Tasked with putting together a double date, Christen takes John and Shu invites Kamil, sending Annaliese into a tailspin. Shu seems to have the hots for Kamil, bringing the total people who like Kamil to two more than I thought possible.

And then the moment arrived — Ashley and Jared came to Paradise under the guise of handing out a date card. Kevin was naturally surprised to see his ex and the guy she left him for, but there was about to be a big ol’ vat of salt dumped into that wound because Jared proposed to Ashley, and she said yes.

This savagery of epic proportions got worse when everyone on the beach watched it happen, then toasted the couple soon after. I’m giving another mini Quote of the Week to Jenna for this gem: “This can really work if you pursue it. Mercilessly. For years.” Pure, solid gold, Jenna.

Kevin was the bigger person and gave Ashley a congratulatory hug. Not all of us would respond that way — I, for one, would go with the “ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME” verbal outburst route, followed swiftly by the sound of a wine cork vacating its bottleneck. To soften the blow, producers give Kevin and Astrid the next date card, where they exchange “I love you”s for the first time. It’s super cute, and I’m all aboard the KAstrid train.

Back from their date, Kamil tells Annaliese he wasn’t feeling the connection to Shu and it’s music to her ears. They do the nasty, which was definitely the best thing they could have done and totally won’t have any negative consequences down the road.

At the cocktail party, John juggles both Christen and Olivia, and Shu decides to make one last pass at Kamil, which he shuts down. Apparently he “wasn’t feeling it” with her, which is weird, because it didn’t look like he was feeling it with Annaliese either. I mean…he was feeling it…but…y’know what never mind.

Just when you thought there were no more beds, Kiwi Jordan arrives in Paradise with a rose and does some speed dating. Each girl takes turns imitating his accent (which I vow to never do again to someone’s face) — Christen’s apparently sounded like a “drunk Mary Poppins.” ’Twas accurate. Chelsea decides she needs to go to new lengths to stay in Paradise, and grabs Kamil to see if his relationship with Annaliese is legit. This whole situation is not worth the brain power (truly none of Paradise requires brains), so we’re just going to skip it.

At the Rose Ceremony, Shu, Christen, Angela, and Chelsea are sent home. Christen feels lightheaded and Chelsea has a full blown panic attack. I can’t believe production showed this — yes, a producer sat in front of Chelsea and tried to calm her down after a minute, but holy sh*t guys, turn the cameras off. Panic attacks are no joke and, like a lot of things in this franchise, it felt very exploitative.

But enough about that because it’s a new day in Paradise and everyone has a new chance to ruin someone’s life. Hooray! Jade, Tanner, Carly, and Evan arrive to hand out a date card. Joe and Kendall are the lucky recipients because the “epic date” is…they get to babysit the Paradise Kids! Troll Level Expert, you guys. Jade and Tanner’s kid won’t stop crying around her “Uncle Joey,” which makes sense because Uncle Joey was definitely the worst caretaker on Full House. As a reward for not doing permanent damage, Joe and Kendall are sent on a real date. I don’t know, guys — sure, these two are a stone cold pack of weirdos, but I feel like this could work. Fingers crossed.

Meanwhile back on the beach, Eric wants to just be friends with Cassandra, which is news to her. Eric? A bad communicator? Groundbreaking. She tells him that she didn’t come here to make friends and him being there is premature. Getting life advice from Kevin (who somehow became the Paradise therapist), he wakes Cassandra up from a nap to tell her he’s leaving. There is nothing — and I mean NOTHING — worse you could do than wake me up when I’m asleep if I’m not in imminent danger. Don’t believe me? Ask my sister. She knows.

Kiwi Jordan finds a date card for Chris and Krystal, who go on a dinner date and profess their love for each other. As annoying as I find Chris (and Krystal, still), it’s clear they’re into each other. So yay for them.

And that brings us to Shu and Kamil. After awkward moments playing Truth or Dare on the beach, Shu still won’t give up her feelings for Kamil. When Kiwi Jordan gets a date card, he asks Shu on a date who turns him down. She pulls Kamil aside for another conversation, where he says clear as day, “I don’t see a connection there and I don’t feel it for you. Does that make sense?” And I sh*t you not, she say, “No I don’t get it.”

“Did you hear what she just said?!” — this girl, probably

HONEY. HE IS JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. There’s persistence, and then there’s obsession. I really hope she gives up sooner or later because this is just embarrassing. She sees him as a “challenge,” but you should never have to beg someone to love you. Except cats. Cats need to be convinced.

Then Kamil takes it a step further and accuses her of using witchcraft on him and Annaliese. I can’t believe I have to devote time to this. Annaliese goes to confront Shu and remind her that she and Kamil will never have something, then brings up the witchcraft. She gets upset and Annaliese leaves her to cry to Olivia, saying, “Call me a bitch, but not a witch.”

Same, Cary Elwes.

Wells attempts to explain this whole scenario to Yuki, finally getting the chance to weave the phrase Russian witch hunt into Paradise. This is the reality TV crossover I never needed, but it feels more appropriate on this show than in the White House. Just saying.

Surprisingly, Diggy arrives in Paradise! He’s an underrated player in this franchise (and a great Twitter follow) so I’m excited to see him. He pulls Shu aside, and while attempting to ask her on the date, she tells him how she’s still feeling for Kamil and doesn’t want to go.

Then, after a chat with Olivia, Shu has since been convinced that she wants to be with Kiwi Jordan. I’m totally at a loss. She seems to want what she can’t have, leading her to declare she’s officially over Kamil and into Kiwi Jordan while Kiwi Jordan is on a date with Cassandra. I don’t get this chick.

That night, Shu appears to throw Kamil’s photo in the bonfire. Well played, Bachelor producers — we never saw Shu throw the photo in, so I’d assume an intern did that deed. She decides to pull Kiwi Jordan aside for some alone time, and asks him how he feels about her. He says he’d rather get to know Cassandra, she loses it, and that’s where we end.

This week’s Episode Winner (No Chicken Dinner) is once again Kevin. My dude had to watch his ex get engaged and still found time to give advice to multiple people in Paradise, all while falling in lurve with a lady named Astrid. Way to go, Kevin. Keep living your best life.

For our penultimate Personal Victimization Award, I’m going with the overall Shu-tuation. Look, I get it — she’s infatuated with a dude who won’t give her the time of day. Who among us hasn’t been in the same place? Just me? Okay then. I appreciate that Kamil and Annaliese were direct with her, but there’s no need to spread rumors. Just drink a margarita and shut the hell up. I should really put that on a pillow.

Next week is our season finale featuring lots of tears and the arrival of the thirstiest man in Bachelor Nation, Robby Hayes. It should be a wondrous occasion.

Until then.

XOXO,

Recap Girl

Chicago comedian and pop-culture lover, especially The Bachelor. Pro-corgi. Anti-horse. On Twitter @marissasayswhat. To quote Jeb Bush, "Please clap."