The Bachelor Episode 2: The Boy Is Mine
Good morning, Bachelor Nation!
We begin the week back at good ol’ Bachelor Mansion, and the Godfather himself Chris Harrison graces the women with his presence. Much like every flight attendant, Chris takes the ladies through the rules of this journey like we can’t already recite them ourselves. He hands over the first date card, and the lucky recipient is…Becca K?
She didn’t get much screen time last week, so this pick is a bit surprising. The best part is Salty McSingle Mom is not having it. Which means I’m thoroughly enjoying myself. As Becca leaves to prepare for a date that will render all future dates subpar, Krystal jumps on the jealousy bandwagon. Methinks the ladies doth protest too much — you know what you’ve signed up for. Now have a margarita, eat some pretzels, and chill by the pool, you dummies. If you bring anything less than a family size bag of pretzels, don’t even bother showing up. Normal sized bags are for quitters.
Becca and Arie get to the date, and guess who else shows up? Rachel freakin’ Zoe. Now, I’m not her biggest fan, but when she shows up, you know there’s about to be some expensive clothes right behind her. And sure enough, she dresses Becca for date night. But — in a twist that literally no one could have seen coming — BECCA GETS TO KEEP ALL OF THE CLOTHES. What?!
Congratulations to Arie (and production) for setting her expectations so high they’ll never be reached again without The Bachelor. She also gets Neil Lane jewelry and a pair of Louboutins, shoes so expensive it took me three Google searches just to confirm I spelled the name correctly. The price of this date is making me sweat. I need to lie down.
At dinner, Becca recounts her dad’s battle with cancer — something I will never ever snark on. Arie gives her the rose, and I have to say…I kind of like her. Don’t get me wrong, I reserve the right to change my opinion, but at the moment I like her in an “I don’t feel like giving her a snarky nickname” kind of way.
Next up is Krystal, Miss Vocal Fry 2018. Arie decides to take her to his hometown of Scottsdale and she responds with a level of excitement well above what’s warranted by a trip to Scottsdale. Arie takes Krystal to his high school to relive those “glory days,” and quite honestly I’m concerned for anyone that thinks this is a positive life choice. If I wanted someone to see what I was like in high school, I’d put on She’s the Man, point at Eunice Bates, and say, “Take away the headgear and emphasis on cats.” I’ll save you the trip down memory lane. For what it’s worth, a She’s the Man line was my senior quote. My brand is years in the making, people.
Krystal and Arie head to his parents’ house, where they meet most of the family. Mama Arie pointedly situates herself between Krystal and Arie to establish dominance and make sure there’s no hanky panky going on. They leave the home unscathed, and Arie tells Krystal his mom loved her. I’m skeptical of anyone woman who immediately likes someone without having had brunch together first.
At dinner that night, Krystal explains her lack of strong family, and I wouldn’t wish those struggles on anyone. But I gotta be honest — there’s something about her that irks me. I don’t know what it is, but I plan on finding out. They end the evening with a concert from a dude whose name is so unfamiliar, he could have been a street musician they slapped a tux on to save some budget. Thanks a lot, Rachel Zoe.
Next up is the group date. And there are…drumroll please…FIFTEEN WOMEN. My dude that’s not a date; that’s a graduating class at a women’s college. Anyway. The ladies roll to a demolition derby, and wouldn’t ya know it, Annaliese had a Traumatic Bumper Car Experience™. From where I’m sitting, the only thing traumatic about bumper cars is that there aren’t enough opportunities to drive them. Arie calms her down, and just before the derby begins, Chris Harrison casually lobs one of the most lethal burns at Arie in Bachelor history: “So could this be the first time Arie actually wins something on a racetrack?” HELLO 911 I’D LIKE TO REPORT A MURDER.
Eventually, Seinne emerges victorious. But it’s Salty McSingle Mom who snatches him up first at the cocktail party, and the girls let her have it when she returns. Bibiana makes a comment that she doesn’t care about the drama, which in girl world means she totally cares about the drama. Arie spends some time with giving-me-Michelle-Obama-vibes Seinne, who shares she went to Yale and is very worldly. Arie tells viewers he “barely graduated high school and worked at Pizza Hut.” Seinne is so far out of his league she’s playing in a different galaxy. But I’m starting to like her, so here’s hoping he keeps her around. TinkerBekah (also known as B’kah — please pronounce like a bird’s “CAW” for full effect) gets him last, and while I can clearly see their chemistry, something in me feels dirty watching them get their smooch on. Maybe it’s because she resembles an actress who could play high schoolers well into her 30s, but who knows. Seinne gets the rose and the salt level in this Bachelor pool just quadrupled.
At the cocktail party, it becomes very clear that it’s Krystal vs. the house. She must have lady balls the size of China because not only did she interrupt The Other Lauren B.®, but she also stepped into Bibiana’s time. And homegirl was not here for it. They had a confrontation in front of the whole house and Bibiana dropped a few gems on Krystal, including, “Baby girl you better check yourself before you check up on me.” Aside from not enjoying Krystal up to this point, I’m Team Bibiana. She speaks her mind and I love it. It’ll likely get her into trouble next week, but we’ll have to see.
At long last, we have a Rose Ceremony. It doesn’t seem like there will be any major surprises here, and there aren’t. But then Jenny leaves without giving Arie the requisite hug, and this is where sh*t gets real. She tells him this environment isn’t for her, and she’s not sad about leaving Arie, but sad about leaving her friends. Then she drops this bomb: this is the first time she’s ever been dumped. And all my sympathy for her goes right out the window. She’s from Chicago and she’s never been dumped? She must be importing her dates because based on my extensive case studies, I call bullsh*t.
This week’s Personal Victimization Award goes to The Bachelor’s editing squad. This is one of those dumb moments that should have been caught, and yet, it’s in the episode for the world to see. Go back to Krystal’s date with Arie. You’ll notice as they’re boarding the plane, Krystal’s voice is saying something to Arie, but her mouth isn’t moving. And since we know she’s definitely not well-versed in ventriloquism, ABC’s editors were clearly asleep at the wheel. Rookie mistake, dorks. Sloppy job.
Next episode is sure to include some more fire-y sass from our girl Bibiana, and I for one cannot wait. Until then.
XOXO,
Recap Girl
