The Bachelor Episode 5: I Glitterally Cannot

Paul Hebert/ABC

My darling Bachelor Nation,

*deep exhale* Last night was a true experience. The number of uncontrollable verbal outbursts that came out of me is remarkable. Not all were expletives, but let’s just say I had to watch an episode of Law and Order: SVU just to decompress. And then I watched MasterChef Junior to decompress from that because it was a rough ride. Let’s go.

We open this week in Fort Lauderdale, which, much like every location ever used on The Bachelor, is billed as a “great place to fall in love.” Unless you’re a geriatric, I’m not buying it. Maquel returns from her family emergency, so I’m happy production allowed her to do that. Chelsea, the artist formerly known as Salty McSingle Mom (nickname temporarily revoked due to Krystal’s bullsh*t), gets the first one-on-one and spends the day “on a dream boat with her dreamboat.”

They have dinner that evening, and Chelsea gets the rose. No big whoop.

The group date begins, and the girls are going bowling. And like most bowling dates, it began with an homage to The Big Lebowski, which made no sense out of context of the movie.

All Bachelor Nation knows is that Arie licked a damn bowling ball and is now kissing all of those women. At minimum, they all have hepatitis. I would give this moment the Personal Victimization Award, but it was too traumatic to qualify. Quite honestly, this date became worthless when they didn’t reenact “Score Tonight” from Grease 2. What a missed opportunity.

Easily one of Michelle Pfieffer’s top 3 greatest roles

Splitting into two self-selected teams, Team Blue, featuring Krystal, emerges victorious. While the losing team remains upset that they won’t join Arie at the after party, the winners excessively celebrate. Public Service Announcement: man or woman, if someone you consider dating reacts to winning a bowling game in that fashion, make like Simba — run away and never return.

In a shocking twist (that has happened in every season in recent memory), Arie decides to invite the losing team to the after party, as well. And that, ladies and gents, is our inciting incident.

Once Arie makes that reversal, Krystal has a meltdown that is two notches short of Regina George learning the truth about Kalteen bars. Apparently losing it on the girls on the bus ride home, Krystal called Arie a “liar,” said she felt betrayed, and that he “didn’t consult us.” Sweetie, he didn’t adopt a Cambodian infant — he added a few names to the party’s guest list. But since there will be people there who did not RSVP, so Krystal is like, totally buggin’.

In an effort to make a statement, Krystal pops out of her room in a bathrobe and declares she’s not going to the after party. She laments that Krystal felt Arie was “disrespectful,” she wants “someone to include me in decisions,” and her “bags are packed.” The girls recognize she’s throwing a tantrum and go to the party without her.

Oh…you thought this was over? HAHAHAHAHA NOPE. Once Krystal’s absence is pointed out to Arie, he trots down to her hotel room — which is exactly what she wants him to do. But in a rare showing of strength, Arie gives her a piece of his mind.

When Arie unexpectedly has a backbone

He calls her out for calling him out, saying “Whatever was said up here could have been said to me directly,” and “This is exactly what couples can’t do — run away from their problems.” He closes out their conversation saying, “I’ll see you in a few days,” and leaving me slack-jawed. This lasagna noodle of a human has a backbone. Color me shocked.

The party continues as planned, but much like Nanny Carrie in One Tree Hill, Krystal emerges from the abyss like a ghost back to haunt those who wronged her. If you don’t get that reference, run, don’t walk, to Hulu and binge watch. It is hot garbage but you’ll thank me later. Reacting like Mr. Duvall, the girls are fully prepared to go gangbusters on Krystal.

Lauren leaves the room to avoid Krystal, and our heroine B’kah lets Krystal have it. Deciding to side step this bloodletting at her expense, Krystal retreats to her cave. For now. The rest of the date goes as planned, and The Remaining Lauren gets the rose.

Next up — our girl Tia finally gets a one-on-one date! And because she’s from the South, she gets to hang out with Arie in a swamp, complete with alligators and a cabin in the Everglades owned by a frogging enthusiast named Gerald. At their evening dinner, Tia and Arie discuss religion and its role in relationships. And quite honestly, it’s about time we saw this conversation on The Bachelor. Because some of these people need Jesus. Tia drops the season’s first “I’m falling in love with you” bomb on Arie, and considering her lack of quality time with him, I’m wondering when this all went down. Either way, Tia gets the rose, and we get Raven 2.0 for at least one more week.

At long last, the cocktail party arrives. When producers ask Krystal why she was moping, she spins this so hard it makes me think she’s been using The Bachelor to audition for the “hot blonde” role on Fox and Friends this whole time. She tells production, “I wasn’t moping. I was investing in myself and growing from the struggle.” The struggle? WHAT STRUGGLE?!

Preach, Kourtney.

This woman is testing my patience in ways I never thought possible. And, in a moment we haven’t seen the likes of since Tierra had a sparkle, Krystal decides to make “glitter” the new “mic drop.” And I thought that was it.

But then, Krystal rolls out some emotional baggage to explain her actions — her emotionally distant mom worked in a bowling alley, and the date triggered bad memories. Oh really? You felt triggered during the date? Was that before or after you jumped around like a dog on a trampoline when your team won?

Arie tells her if she thinks this is hard, just wait until after the show ends — a very fair point. To cap off this conversation, Krystal attempts some levity by squeaking, “Aww, our first fight!” to which Arie retorts, “It could be our last fight.”

As garbage as this episode made me feel, Arie won a few points. He’s clearly not here for Krystal’s sh*t, and despite her claims that she’s “above” the other women, she’s behaving like a child. Grow up, honey.

During the Rose Ceremony, Maquel, Ashley, and Marikh get sent home. It’s sad, but I’m exhausted. Thanks a lot, Krystal.

This week’s Personal Victimization Award technically goes to Krystal’s entire existence, but in the interest of keeping things fresh, I’m going with another small moment you might have missed. During Arie’s date with Chelsea, we see them hanging on the front of the boat, when something caught my eye. I wasn’t quite sure at first, but then it’s confirmed: Arie has a GIANT tattoo covering his entire torso. ARIE. WHO HURT YOU?! It looks like he got the entire text of War and Peace or Infinite Jest on there! Wait, I take that back. He’s more of a “Bee Movie” kind of guy.

Next week’s previews include more of Krystal, but we haven’t seen the two-on-one date yet. And if there is still a God in this world, Krystal will be on it and left on the side of a cliff. But at this point, it’s just wishful thinking. Until then.

XOXO,

Recap Girl

Chicago comedian and pop-culture lover, especially The Bachelor. Pro-corgi. Anti-horse. On Twitter @marissasayswhat. To quote Jeb Bush, "Please clap."