The Bachelor Episode 9: The Women Tell All

Bachelor Nation, you beautiful, magical flowers,

First of all, congratulations on making it through a Sunday viewing of The Bachelor. It’s an emotionally taxing job, and you’re all warriors for muscling through this madness. And with Krystal back on our screens, it’s fair to say this was one of the more annoying Women Tell All reunions in recent memory. Let’s go.

The episode kicks off with a retrospective we never needed or asked for — a recap of previous Women Tell All’s and the drama within. Remember Tiara and her sparkle? Michelle Money and her misunderstood snark? Or Courtney and the Attempted Redemption (coming soon to Freeform)? Congrats to all you newer Bachelor viewers — you got a two minute speed viewing of this godforsaken show when some of us have been logging serious miles for years.

Dramatic reenactment of my means of survival.

Before Chris Harrison lights some butts on fire in the hot seat, we get to re-hash some of the scandals that plagued our TVs this season. Up first: glamshaming. This was such an annoying non-issue that I don’t feel like giving it the extra credence. Contoured or not, just live your life and let people live theirs. But never speak ill of Sephora because I will find you.

Next up is B’kah’s age. This scandal reared its ugly head again, and honestly I’m so done with it. B’kah ruined her season-long “I’m so mature” argument with a dig at Tia’s past relationships and generally lashing out at everyone. Her Instagram stories are further proof of this. And regardless of her emotional stability, spoiler alert — 22 IS YOUNG. Whichever side of the argument you fall on, I think we can all agree this scandal should be closed.

First up in the hot seat? Krystal. And she surprisingly starts off by owning up to everything she did wrong during this season...HAHAHAHAHA NOPE! Miss Vocal Fry 2018 is back on her bullsh*t in a brand new way — featuring her actual voice.

My precise reaction to Krystal’s real voice, as portrayed by a friend’s sister.

Taking the requisite trip down memory lane, we’re reliving all of Krystal’s Greatest Hits. And then…something unusual happens — we get an extra peek behind the curtain. That’s right — the content of Krystal’s bowling-fueled, expletive-laden rant is finally revealed. While not everything could be divulged on ABC, Caroline Lunny, one of the castoffs and Becca’s bestie, did the rest of God’s work.

My reaction progressed as follows:

Hahahaha…wait what?
Did she just…?
Krystal, you need Jesus.

Chris Harrison then launched into a line of questioning attempting to get to the bottom of Krystal’s behavior when he really just should’ve given her a shovel to continue digging her own grave. In an attempt to flip the script, Krystal lashed out at the women for mocking her and being catty behind her back.

While that is a fair point, the difference between being outwardly rude and someone saying things in “the heat of the moment” is that Krystal was vicious all season long. It wasn’t a one off thing for her, and it’ll take one hell of a redemption edit to get her back in my good graces. We cap off this segment with one of the Night One Girls asking Krystal to explain her vocal shift. The answer is insufficient, moving this unsolved mystery onto the same list with who killed Biggie and Tupac. Please comment with your wildest conspiracy theories.

Next up in the hot seat is the queen herself, Seinne. She’s the kind of woman you want to hate because she’s beautiful, but then she says two words and you’re completely disarmed. Navigating the interview with ease, Seinne notes she left at peace knowing she and Arie weren’t meant to be. When Chris questions her education, Seinne doesn’t bat an eye. She says that women shouldn’t be afraid of ambition, and that whenever she finds the right person, they’ll see her education and drive as enhancements and attributes, not a deterrent. Ladies, listen to Seinne. Never — and I mean NEVER — let a man intimidate you from getting a higher education, being ambitious, or pursuing any dream. Know your worth. Get yours. And be a boss ass bitch.

LOUDER FOR MY PEOPLE IN THE BACK, BEYONCE!

The hot seat’s next victim is B’kah in all her tassle-earring’d glory. They roll her tape, she talks about her age, we confirmed her mom knows where she is, and yes, it was indeed a marijuana farm. Chris Harrison foreshadows that we’ll be seeing B’kah on Paradise. I get up to make a quesadilla.

This interview is deja vu all over again.

And finally, Tia is up. Getting emotional while watching her farewell to Arie, you can clearly see some latent feelings. But in a nice twist of fate, Tia sums up her journey by saying, thanks to Arie, she now knows what she deserves in a relationship. All snark on Arie aside, if he was able to give Tia that confidence in herself to ask for more from a partner, then I’d call this one a win. You should never settle for anything less than the best. That’s why I always get Snyder pretzels instead of Rold Gold. They’re crunchy AF and I thoroughly enjoy the sourdough nuggets.

I feel you, Stanley the Manly.

Much like a sushi dinner on a Lazy Susan, we’ve cycled through all the good stuff and now it’s time for Arie. He and his dopey face schlump onto the stage, and Chris opens the floor for the Airing of the Grievances (held tri-annually for the Women Tell All, Men Tell All, and Festivus). Arie speaks with both B’kah and Tia to clear the air and provide some closure, all business as usual. But then it’s Caroline’s turn. In an emotionally cryptic exchange, Caroline goes full Lauren Conrad to Arie’s Heidi Montag at Les Deux.

More iconic than Theresa’s table flip tbh

Caroline tells him, “I know what you did,” and doesn’t know how he can live with himself. Now, you all know I’ve been attempting to go spoiler-free this season. Well…someone ruined that for me. But I won’t say anything more, and none of my newfound knowledge will seep into these recaps. Trust me — you won’t want that. Let’s just say the Internet is a necessary evil and we’re in a love-hate relationship.

And just as you think we’re on to bloopers, Krystal pops back up like the Huns outta the snow in Mulan for one last battle.

I’ve never felt more spiritually connected to a dragon than this moment.

Requesting to sit next to Arie, Chris Harrison giddily says, “YES OH PLEASE COME ON UP,” while Arie stares at him with a look that screams, “AreyoufugginkiddingmeChristopher?” Half expecting Arie to take the quickest way out of this convo, he instead lets Krystal have it — this time in front of a live studio audience. When she ultimately complains that it was hard to see him date other women, he retorts, “Well, this is The Bachelor.” Krystal shrinks back into her hidey hole, and I cackled to myself in my apartment. It was a majestic moment. What a time to be alive.

And finally, at long last, we have bloopers. Every year they’re my favorite, and while this might not have been the G.O.A.T. of blooper reels, I can safely say I thoroughly enjoyed them, as usual.

We end with the classically dramatic and over-edited finale teaser, which means there’s finally a light at the end of the tunnel. We’re on mile 20 of this marathon, folks. We can do it.

This week’s Personal Victimization Award goes to the Bachelor’s editing squad. While I’ll give them kudos for getting endless footage down to a semi-coherent two hours every week, this Women Tell All got me a bit riled up. Surprisingly, I didn’t hate Arie this week. Particularly in the bloopers, he was relatable, engaging, and had a…*gulp*…personality. He makes those “merp” noises when he misspeaks, mocks his own lack of tush, among other things. Where the hell was this all season?! As far as we were concerned, he’s working with a vocabulary that contains every possible combination of “amazing,” “yeah,” and “I like that.” The poor bastard already has to deal with not being Peter, but now you’re going to water him down on top of that? Not cool, people. We could’ve had a merp-ing Bachelor. Hashtag relatable. UPDATE: EXHIBIT FREAKING A:

I MEAN

Tomorrow night is the Fantasy Suite episode, and I am as ready as I’ll never be for this mess. My emotional capacity is at an all-time low, and the dishes in my sink at an all-time high. But whatever gets us to what’s sure to be a debaucherous finale the quickest, I’m in it to win it. Until then.

XOXO,

Recap Girl

Chicago comedian and pop-culture lover, especially The Bachelor. Pro-corgi. Anti-horse. On Twitter @marissasayswhat. To quote Jeb Bush, "Please clap."