Marissa Driscoll

Jan 15, 2019

7 min read

The Bachelor Episode 2: Smilers Wear a Crown, Losers Wear a Frown

Bachelor Nation,

Pour one out for the sloth. We hardly knew you.

Some might say The Bachelor is devoid of any intellectual benefit. My own father called during the show to ask if I was “watching this bullsh*t again.” And yet, this episode taught me so many things — including that I, a 27 year-old woman, am old, and the many uses of the sheet pan. A true blessing. Let’s go.

Before we begin — did you know Colton was a virgin? Because he is. He’s a virgin. The never had sex kind. Producers would like for you to know that Colton Underwood, the Bachelor himself, has never done the sex. Or had the intercourse. Ever.

We kick off this week with a hostage-style video of Colton in bed describing the forthcoming group date. I don’t understand the purpose of this video. It does not bring me joy. Marie Kondo would not stand for this superfluous content.

But my displeasure is momentarily forgotten when Nick Offerman and Megan Mullaly (aka Ron and Tammy) pop in to host the group date. While my instinct is to tell Ron to run as Tammy is standing next to him, I remove myself from the Parks and Recreation fever dream that overtook my brain and bask in the glory of Nick, Megan, and what is undoubtedly a hilarious marriage.

Each season has a public speaking and subsequent humiliation date, and this season is no different. The secondhand embarrassment is consistently ranked alongside Elle Woods in the bunny suit, so needless to say I watched this segment through my fingers and whining, “HONEY NO” to no one in particular. Tasked with telling stories of “firsts,” (drink for the virginity reference) the women are all over the map, including Elyse’s admission that at 31 it’s her first time dating a younger man. At this time, Resident Young Person Demi takes it upon herself to call Elyse “so brave” for “admitting” she was the oldest woman of the bunch.

Lord, beer me strength.

Demi, young grasshopper, you win this week’s Personal Victimization Award. To any 23-year-olds reading this recap, first of all, welcome. Thank you for your patronage to the blog of an over the hill 27-year-old. We sincerely appreciate your support of the elderly. But real talk — for the love of GOD, 31 is not old. In one breath she says she’s a supporter of women and immediately turns to call Elyse old. If 31 is old, then everyone else in the world must be Biblical. It’s not weird when a 26 year old woman dates a 31 year old man — in fact, we often prefer it because y’all mens is childish. So why are we focusing on the reverse with Elyse and Colton? Do better, Demi.

The only time I was on Team Demi was when she returned from her one-on-one time with Colton and, according to Tracy, audaciously dared to touch the group date rose. Tracy, honey — I know you look a lot like Big Red with the coloring of Ursula the Sea Witch’s human form, but it’s a flower, not the Bring It On spirit stick. In the immortal words of Ramona Singer, “Take a Xanax. Calm down.”

While Demi shot some low-blows, Elyse took this opportunity to show her sense of humor and rise to the occasion. Telling Colton she and the other 27+ women call their room the “cougar den,” they share a nice moment and she ends up with the group date rose. Team Elyse, y’all. She’s heckin’ mature and likely my ideal wine-drinking buddy.

Meanwhile in the mansion, Hannah B. is given the first one-on-one date, and we learn there’s a storm a-brewin’ between her and Caelynn from their pageant days. Apparently when they were rooommates at Miss USA, Caelynn placed while Hannah didn’t, and she did not take too kindly to it. More to come on this next week.

On Hannah B.’s date, which happens to fall on her birthday, she feels the need to be perfect for Colton. So much so that she cannot even muster a coherent toast. Did I mention it was her birthday? Because as much as production wants you to know Colton is a virgin, Hannah B. really wants you to know it’s her birthday. Birthday. Day of birth. Eventually, after much toast pondering, Hannah lands on this gem and earns our Quote of the Week.

“Let’s toast to…okay, I can do this. I want to raise a toast to…my birthday…*giggles* Roll tide. Cheers!” — Hannah B.

Next up is my high-key dream — a group date with Billy Eichner. And I had my hopes entirely too high for these women, because it seemed like they had no clue who Billy was. Just some schmo off the street. Send them all home — they don’t deserve this luxury. He is a comedic genius who asks hard-hitting questions like, “Name a woman.” Despite having Billy help out during this summer camp-themed date, production failed to have him play a lightning round game of “Canoe or Cannot” with Colton’s girls, and honestly, a part of me died inside.

Sometime between when Billy said Colton should just be the first gay Bachelor and the red team’s victory, I wondered aloud, “These women seem so desperate; why would anyone legitimately be on this show?” And then immediately following that, I found a piece of parmesan cheese in my bra from lunch.

Touché, universe.

During the night portion of the group date, Colton smooches multiple ladies. In stark contrast, Heather tells Colton she’s Never Been Kissed. Naturally, he respectfully responds, commends her choice, and gives her the group date rose. I, on the other hand, begin imagining the inevitable Broadway adaptation of Never Been Kissed where Heather would consider auditioning for Josie but will be typecast as Kirsten, Kristen, or Gibby.

I don’t know which one this is, but she is Heather.

Finally, we reach the cocktail party. Kicking us off with a bang, Demi the Woman Supporter drops this gem: “Things are going to get a little aggressive. Some of the older women are trying to figure out how to get Colton, but us younger girls are like 5 steps ahead of them. So I will happily watch their demise.” With that, I redirect you to the aforementioned Personal Victimization Award.

But before I can get tweet-rant level angry, Onyeka and Girl I Do Not Recognize get into the funniest fight in Bachelor history. To steal Colton from her, Onyeka pops out of the house with an air horn and says she’s “horny.” Not to be outdone, GIDNR goes into the kitchen and grabs a sheet pan and a wooden spoon, banging them in Onyeka’s face. Not only was this hilariously immature, it reminded me of best rant in all reality TV. Ladies and gentlemen, I present Tanisha from Bad Girls Club remixed into the greatest song of all time.

An icon. Tanisha, I salute you.

The evening ends with Tracy in tears after Demi puts on a robe over her dress and gives Colton a half-assed massage. This is why you don’t drink when you’re tired, Tracy. Corinne had naps; Demi has robes. In a world built on discomfort, apparently the comfier you are, the more you’re reviled.

At the Rose Ceremony, we bid farewell to dog rescuer Alex, two women named Angelique and Annie according to their chyrons, and another woman who could have been a production assistant. I still don’t know who these gals are, though I’m shocked at how many I did recognize. Snaps to me for minimum effort.

Next week we learn more about the Great Beauty Queen Battles and Demi continues her crusade against the elderly. It should be another brain cell-murdering ride.

Until then.

XOXO,

Recap Girl