The Bachelor Episode 3: Oh No, Baby, What Is You Doing?
Bachelor Nation,
Picture this: it’s the final week of The Bachelor. Colton has picked his winner, and the runner up is left on a beach to find her way off the tropical island. There’s a white tent in the distance containing a single cheese sandwich on a soaked mattress. We’ve been watching a Fyre Festival documentary this whole time.
Whew, what a fever dream. Anyway, back to our regularly scheduled recap. Let’s go.
This week kicks off with a group date where the girls and Colton learn to be pirates. A very useful and transferrable skill. Given Disney owns ABC and the show’s penchant for synergistic promotions, methinks we should be on the look out for Pirates of the Caribbean: The Virgin Islands coming to a theater near you.
I don’t know which low-budget pirates they consulted, but it looks like their first task is some variety of jousting. I’m fairly confident that’s more in the realm of medieval knights, but hey, I’ve only seen various portions of A Knight’s Tale four times on TNT, so what do I know.
But before I get too caught up, Demi comes in with another hot take on women in their 30s. I don’t want to even dignify her ignorance with a response. Rather, like the sneaky sorority girl I once was, I propose a “Where Are They Now” episode of The Bachelor the moment Demi hits 30. No matter how many creams, butters, or serums she slathers on her face, hell hath no fury like Mother Nature’s unavoidable and vindictive fury. Also considering her vitriol for 30-year olds, she’s clearly never seen 13 Going on 30 which is a colossal red flag.
The ladies move on to a public pirate performance of “save Colton,” wherein Caelynn ultimately wins, but not before Demi throws a turkey leg in protest or support of the events happening in front of her. Quite frankly, I have no clue what’s going on, and this show has rendered me emotionally incapable of surviving such a journey, so we’re gonna let this one ride.
Once our swashbucklers are done…well, swashbuckling, we’re on to the nighttime festivities. Demi preempts the Bird Box Challenge and blindfolds Colton while spanking him with a frat paddle. All par for the course with her personality. But our top story tonight — this is when Hannah B. decides to shoot her shot with Colton by telling The Truth About Caelynn (coming to Lifetime this fall). She tells him how Caelynn is fake, has multiple personalities, and the resulting “hostile environment” she has created in the house. The last time I heard the phrase “hostile environment” was on Grey’s Anatomy in reference to a woman’s uterus, so needless to say I was a bit taken aback. Once I came to, the same unfortunate results befell Hannah as so many others before her.
Oh Hannah. Sweet, sweet Hannah. She forgot the cardinal rule of The Bachelor: never talk sh*t on the other girls to the lead. Men don’t care at all. Ever. It is quite possibly the worst decision you could make. Conversely, on The Bachelorette, it is almost a requirement the guys tell their lead all the dirt. For whatever reason (the patriarchy) dudes have clearance to do whatever and are essentially encouraged to walk into the mansion like, “Ding dong girl, it’s me — Petty LaBelle.”
Regardless, Hannah trudges through this choice, clearly unable to read Colton’s exasperated body language. He eventually pulls Caelynn aside to hear her side of the story, wherein she mentions something traumatic from her past that she’d like to share with him later (read: on a one-on-one date to be scheduled in a few weeks). She gets teary and he gives her the rose. Really stuck the landing on that sabotage, Hannah.
But before we close out on this date, Hannah sticks a cherry on top of this turd burger with a Nostradomous-level prediction, noting, “It would suck if he sent me home before [Caelynn],” (pretty sure he will). But just before speaking her future into existence, she earned our Quote of the Week:
“I am…befumbled.” — Hannah B.
That was quite the Freudian football slip from our resident Roller of Tides. I look forward to hearing all about your new career as a transponster as soon as you depart the show.
But we shan’t linger too long on that clusterf*ck because it’s time for my favorite contestant to get a one-on-one date — Elyse! They take a helicopter to San Diego and play with kids at a theme park. I might be drinking the Kool-Aid on this date, but Colton was charming as heck with these munchkins. And Elyse is just a gem. I’m here for them and I’m Team Elyse and want her to win. The only other outcome I’ll accept is her as The Bachelorette. No other offers will be entertained. Thank u, next, 23-year olds.
At the evening portion, Elyse tells an emotional story about the loss of her sister — you know the drill here, folks. We don’t snark on family and we especially don’t snark on stories like these. Colton gives her the rose, and I let out a little “Yay!” Post-dinner comes our first Semi-Private Concert with an Unknown Country Singer® this season — Tenille Arts, which is a human’s name and not, as I originally assumed, a poorly-executed arthouse homage to Captain and Tennille.
The next group date is an exercise-centric day and, hoo boy, my little heart jumped for joy when I saw the celebrity guests on this date. Terry Crews and Rebecca King-Crews, y’all! I feel like the producers are baiting me into continuing to watch this show with celebrity cameos of everyone I’ve ever loved. Terry is not only remarkably physically fit (I would pay UFC-level dollars to be in a room with him and the Rock doing a deadlift contest), he is also on the funniest show on TV, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, as Terry Jeffords. Terry loves yogurt, islands, and responsible agricultural practices. If you haven’t watched it, do it now and thank me later.
But without Terry and Rebecca Crews, the date immediately earns our Personal Victimization Award. Look, I’m no dummy — The Bachelor(ette) always puts a premium on looking good (i.e. thin or fit) when casting. But even still, I am not trying to work out in front of my crush within maybe a week and a half of having met him. If I were asked on this date, I’d immediately have to tap out. Going to the gym is a solitary activity for me, and unlike most of these broads, I wear my hair up and actually try while I’m there. Ain’t nobody got time to look cute at the gym. I read a magazine one that said one of the best places to meet guys is at the gym. In the immortal words of Randy Jackson, “It’s gonna be a no from me, dawg.” My body is just an overall mess on the machines. Forget about my face turning 50 Shades of Red, one time I was on the incline bench doing sit-ups and lil’ fart escaped my tushie. I cannot take that chance in front of a new man.
Onyeka wins the Strong Woman Challenge, and during the cocktail party, Colton decides to send the other Canadian (Caitlin?) home. It was fairly justified — she had literally nothing to say to Colton. Even Alabama Hannah was able to muster a “Roll tide,” so I’m not sure where Caitlin went wrong. Someone got the group date rose. I cannot remember her name. Whoops.
The Grim Reaper himself, Chris Harrison, arrives to tell the ladies that Colton has cancelled the cocktail party. Once against, the ladies either practice their shocked faces or have literally never seen an episode of this show before (congrats, I guess) because that sneaky devil pulls a switcheroo on them — Colton scheduled a pool party instead! Wow. A pool party? On The Bachelor?
Colton shares a nice moment with the Hannah We Like, but not for long because here come Hannah B. and Caelynn. Never Been Kissed Heather establishes herself as a blatant instigator, talking Hannah B. into bringing her inner beast out to Colton. I’m guessing Heather’s never kissed someone because she’s always too busy talking sh*t. Regardless, Caelynn and Hannah take their separate conversations with Colton as a moment to, again, trudge up their drama, and it does not go well. In fact, it goes so poorly that Chris Harrison is presumably called off the golf course to give Colton some much needed perspective like the sage, well-tanned, rotisserie chicken he is. Sorry for the inconvenience, Chris. Hopefully you could call a mulligan on the last green.
At the rose ceremony, Hannah B. receives the Final Rose Tonight, a clear shot across the bow from Colton. We bid farewell to a few other women, including faux Australian Bri and DJ Agro, whose presence was no longer needed once Demi established herself as the real villain. I anticipate her appearance on Paradise, so no harm, no foul.
See you next week when we apparently skip the low-budget American destinations and head straight to Singapore. Looks like they saved that much money from cutting the condom budget this season.
Until then.
XOXO,
Recap Girl
