The Bachelor Episode 4: Why Can’t We Be Friends?
Bachelor Nation,
This episode featured some very high-highs in girl world, coupled with some incredibly low-lows. Some scenes were Cady Heron’s lunchroom fever dreams, others were her reality. Now that’s what you call range. Let’s go.
Chris Harrison makes an appearance to apparently do two things: to tell the girls they’re starting the travel early, and to stir the pot. That tricky little raccoon dumped kerosene on a bonfire when he said, “Caelynn, how was last week for you?” Except it wasn’t Caelynn — it was Hannah B.
First things first: don’t listen to anything Chris Harrison says in interviews about this. He knew exactly what he was doing. He was Regina George making copies of the Burn Book then watching his world erupt into chaos.
But he immediately hands out the chaser for that shot because the girls are going to Singapore! These girls don’t have to suffer through pretending Fort Lauderdale or Nemacolin are great places to fall in love, which officially makes them the envy of every previous Bachelor season. Pour one out for everyone who had to go to Iowa in winter for Chris Soules.
First up in Singapore, Colton gets a one-on-one date with Tayshia. Clearly enamored with her and totally into i — I can’t fake this. He could barely remember her name when he did an interview with production. Either way, they bungee jump, she tells him she was divorced, he sympathizes, she gets the rose. Tayshia seems fine but the date was boring. Although this whole “put your life in danger to prove your commitment” schtick is getting old. If a man I just started dating told me we were going bungee jumping, it’s gonna be Code Brown all the way down (if not just an immediate hard pass).
Next up is the group date with THIRTEEN WOMEN. That’s not a group date; that’s a sorority field trip. Yikes. Demi got a sprinting start to get to Colton first, where she launched herself from a Michael-Jordan-at-the-free-throw-line distance to leg-hug Colton. I was nervous for Colton’s stability until I remembered this was much like a bug hitting a car windshield. She’s so small that he probably felt nothing.
While walking in the market, the girls find out they’re getting “leeched,” which is a bit on the nose even for The Bachelor. Courtney, always preoccupied with practical concerns, wonders aloud if these leeches are “FDA-approved” and “up to code.” Oh honey, that’s not how any of this works. First of all, you’re in Singapore. The FDA can barely cover romaine lettuce in California; you really think they’d be able to extend their influence to Singapore? And no, these aren’t up to code — you’re on a show where your mans is dating 20 other women. Nothing is up to code. Get a tetanus shot.
But now it’s time for another Bachelor tradition — eating local delicacies and bug bits to prove your love and my Personal Victimization Award for this episode. This isn’t a classic PVA winner, I’ll give you that — but it sure is gross, and I hate watching it. In the immortal words of the poet Meat Loaf, “I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that.” But no, not Hannah B. She eats a fish eye in the hopes Colton will fall madly in love with her, giving us the Fear Factor/Bachelor crossover we never wanted. This is the problem with romantic comedies — they’ve conditioned women to believe that doing something insane will help a guy notice you. It won’t. It’ll just make him as that you have at least 37 professional deep cleanings and a psychiatric evaluation before he touches you with a ten-foot pole. Also, quit asking for extra credit when you simply completed the assignment, Hannah B. I don’t know what parochial school you went to but that’s not how this goes down.
During the night portion, Demi and Courtney lock horns. Courtney bitches to the group that she hasn’t gotten any time with him and is being patient, but Demi tells her she needs to go for what she wants. And…uh…Demi’s right. Courtney’s bitching about her situation and doing absolutely nothing to change it, then gets mad when Demi grabs Colton for round two. Honey, if you can bring the mountain to Mohammed, bring Mohammed to the mountain. Side note: who decided on that analogy to move a mountain? You can’t do it! Anyway, Courtney finally got off her tuchus to talk to Colton and — LOL JOKES NO SHE DIDN’T.
She found Demi instead, and they commence a bickering match, talking over each other and making age-related accusations, which concludes with our Quote of the Week:
“You know, you have the right to feel that way, and I have the right to not care.” — Demi
Look, I don’t agree with Demi’s methods, but she’s not wrong. She then throws in, “She puts the ass in class,” and while that went a bit over the line, it gave me strong Bring It On flashbacks.
Demi got the group date rose, likely for showing a more serious side to herself and divulging her mom’s prison stint. I’m glad we got to see another side to Demi, but my personal jury is still out on how I feel about her. Here’s hoping I get some moral clarity in the coming weeks.
Next up is the second one-on-one date with Caelynn. She gets the Pretty Woman date, on which we’re going to take a quick rant detour. Why can’t we just call this the shopping spree date? Lest we forget, Pretty Woman is about an older dude who picks up a prostitute on Hollywood Boulevard, keeps her in his hotel room (with payment), then showers her with gifts and money (while his best friend tries to take advantage of her — not cool, George Costanza), and she falls in love with him in my personal least favorite ending to any romantic film in history. Just a hard no from me, dawg.
But let’s skip the trivial stuff and get to the core of Caelynn’s date. To anyone who might be more sensitive to campus rape or sexual assault, feel free to skip ahead a few paragraphs.
I have made fun of this show while being an avid fan for the better part of a decade (at minimum). Production has rarely been known for their handling tough topics the girls bring onto the show, but this one has never been touched. Hearing Caelynn’s story of what happened to her in college absolutely broke my heart. And to the show’s credit, they treated this challenging moment with grace and care, going so far as to put the cameras far away from the tables to give Caelynn the literal and emotional room to have an intimate conversation with Colton. Now, I understand if you felt a bit wrong watching such a deep conversation between two people. But Caelynn said she wanted to be public with this, and I think it’s an important conversation for people to have and hear.
While no one will ever be able to relate directly to Caelynn, we either know a Caelynn or have been a Caelynn. It’s why we need things like the #MeToo movement and #TimesUp. The strength she showed in sharing her story on national television, the show’s lack of aggrandizing, and their integration with RAINN made this a pillar moment for the season and the series. To her credit, once again, Caelynn also made this moment a cornerstone of her Miss USA run, drawing attention to the backlog of rape kits and the systemic failures that contribute to lack of reporting and resolution in on-campus sexual assaults. One final note: to anyone else out there who might have been personally impacted by a similar situation, RAINN has a hotline and they’re available 24/7. You don’t have to feel pressured to be public with your own story. But Caelynn, you made me proud to be a woman last night. Thank you for sharing your story.
Whew. Okay. Here’s a sharp right turn for you — back to the cocktail party? By the way, Caelynn got the rose. Feels weird to mention that, but she did. Anyway, back to our regularly scheduled programming. Hannah G. and Colton muss up a bed with their shoes on. What turnip truck did you fall off?! Have some damn respect (and please accept this mini-Personal Victimization Award). Then, in a shocking turn of events, Caelynn squashes her beef with Hannah B., earns major points with me, and all is right in girl world.
HAHAHA just kidding, Demi and Courtney are still here. After Courtney makes a pointed dig at Demi, she immediately pops up and bolts straight to Colton. Demi proceeds to call Courtney the “cancer of the house,” followed by a satisfied make-out sesh worthy of a Heathers reboot.
With a poetic flourish only worthy of The Bachelor, Courtney arrives to interrupt Colton and Demi’s time. Crazy how that always happens, isn’t it? But naturally, as Bachelor contestants are wont to do, Courtney spends the entire time talking about Demi. He seems so over it (honestly same) and proceeds to relay Demi’s direct quote. Understandably pissed, Courtney confronts the girls to uncover the source, and Demi raises her hand so fast you would’ve thought production was asking for a volunteer to make out with Chris Evans (Hollywood’s best Chris — please fight me on this). Once again they talk over each other, and we get a shot of Kirpa that is a chef’s kiss reaction.
At long last, we’ve hit the Rose Ceremony — and for the first time in Bachelor history, I was left slack-jawed. Both of Demi’s enemies, Courtney and Tracy, were sent home. We haven’t sen the two-on-one date, the beauty queens are no longer reenacting Feud: Betty and Joan, so who’s going to go on this iconic date? I’m so anxious.
Next week, we’re heading to a new destination with even newer drama. Should be a real hoot.
Until then.
XOXO,
Recap Girl
