The Bachelor Episode 7: The Guy Who Orders a Small Piece of Bread

Good morning, Bachelor Nation,

It’s about that time. We’ve reached the point of the season where, much like the University of Chicago, the fun goes to die. And without our fair Krystal, we’re adrift in the ocean without a compass at which to point our anger. Perhaps some clever editing can change all that. Let’s go.

We begin this week in Tuscany, which is truly, without sarcasm, my favorite place in the world. I spent a semester abroad in Florence attempting to repair relations with the Italian people after they were fractured by Snooki and the Situation. While I was only mildly successful, I anxiously await the destruction of my hard work by The Bachelor.

The first one-on-one date goes to Becca K., wherein Arie says they’ll have fun “under the Tuscan sun.” Just when you think producers are done with their dated references, they whip out a hat tip to a 15 year old film starring Diane Lane and Sandra Oh.

Arie and Becca walk around a small Tuscan village, buying bread, meat, and cheese for a picnic. Second to April 25, this is my idea of a perfect date.

And I begin wondering if Arie and I could be a match. But then, he asks an elderly Italian man for “a little bit” of bread, which I didn’t think was a possible unit of measurement for bread. If anyone is curious, the only acceptable unit is an Oprah, which means “all of the bread.”

Becca laments how her previous relationship is subpar comparatively because her ex only took her to San Diego, and Arie took her to Paris and Tuscany. First of all, if that’s what drew her in, Becca should be dating an intern in ABC’s travel department, not Arie. Second, Fort Lauderdale is as bad as both Paris and Tuscany are great combined, so I’m thinking she broke even here.

At the evening portion, Becca says she’s falling for Arie, and Arie surprisingly returns the sentiment, saying he’s falling for her too. Side note: when did “falling for you” become an expression of love? I keep imagining a dude named Abraham in Biblical times tripping over nothing in his rope sandals in front of his girlfriend Delilah or something, then making a pre-historic dad joke to play it off.

An illustration of this totally true Biblical tale

And then Delilah’s all, “Omg Mary you’ll never guess what he did today,” and then Abraham’s dumb friends kept repeating it because it was lol-tastic af (This stream of consciousness thinking was brought to you by A Lapsed Catholic Productions. All rights reserved). Anyway Becca gets the rose, they make out, blah blah blah.

Back at the hotel, Jacqueline is having a teary heart-to-heart with Kendall because she’s unsure of her relationship with Arie. Despite some convincing from Kendall, Jacqueline can’t shake this so-called “moment of doubt,” and opts for the dramatic visit to Arie’s hotel room.She bares her soul, saying she’s worried that she’ll move to Scottsdale and realize they don’t have that foundation for their relationship, and she can’t say she’s 100% confident in them as a couple.

And Arie all but pushes her out the door. He responds with half-hearted sadness, and Jacqueline leaves. As much as it sucks to see someone as smart as Jacqueline feel subpar, she dodged one hell of a scud missile.

In this case, a scud missile is a wrench. And if you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.

The next one-on-one date goes to The Last Lauren, our verbal contortionist. Within 30 seconds her word count is past 20, so we’re off to a rollicking start. Biking through the town of Lucca, Arie and Lauren drop some astute observations about their surroundings. The following is an actual conversation had between two grown adults on network television:

Lauren: “It’s very Italian.”

Arie: *laughs*

Lauren: *laughs*

Arie: “It’s weird, right?”

Since that set my brain cells back to second grade, I can’t recall the rest of their day date. I vaguely remember poorly played futbol. During dinner, Lauren and Arie continue chatting up a storm. And then, Lauren drops an “I’m falling in love with you” bomb on Arie. Naturally, he replies, “I’ll be right back.” Ex-squeeze me, sir? Friends, take note: if someone bares their soul to you, plant that tush in a seat and hang tight until they’re done talking. Upon his return, Arie says, “I’m falling deeply in love with you, too.” My jaw hits the floor, she gets the rose, and I predict we’re officially set up for a finale between The Last Lauren and The Tallest Becca. Mark my words, friends.

The next belongs to the fair Seinne. They crash an Italian family’s dinner, and Arie tries to compare his previous gig at a Pizza Hut to homemade Italian pizza. The day is fine, the evening is awkward, and Arie puts Seinne out of her misery by sending her home. Seinne, you beautiful sunflower, don’t shed a single tear — this is a blessing in disguise. Now sashay away.

The fourth and final date card arrives for B’kah, Tia, and Kendall. Before we move on to the date’s events, let’s pause for a moment of silence and appreciation for B’kah’s sweater and an artist’s rendering of her inspo board:

It was me. I’m the artist.

Arie and his ladies spend the day at an Italian villa, wherein Tia takes it upon herself to throw B’kah under the bus. This left a bad taste in my mouth. Yes, B’kah is 22. But it’s not Tia’s place to say anything and this “B’kah is super young” narrative is getting older than the forgotten saltines in my pantry. She gets legitimately upset and her emotional exhaustion defies the laws of time and space because I am feeling it through the TV. B’kah confides in Arie and feels better, but Kendall gets the day date rose. That evening, Tia and B’kah plead their case, and…Tia comes out on top. B’kah was visibly distraught, and it was truly tough to watch. But if the Bachelor Gods are watching, we’ll see her on a spinoff sooner than later.

This week’s Personal Victimization Award goes to…IT’S A TIE!

That’s right, readers — we have two distinctions to bestow this week. The first is something that did not make an appearance this episode. Lest we forget, The Bachelor is in Tuscany. And in Arie’s requisite introduction of their surroundings, he fails to say Florence is a “great place to fall in love.” This distinction was bestowed upon Fort Lauderdale, so pardon me while I lament his omission of my beloved Florence. And for the number of times he told a woman he was falling in love with them this week, you’d think he’d give credit where it’s due. The man gained marginal points last week only to squander them on a lapse in judgement. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice…you can’t get fooled again (Shoutout to the recipient of the Retrospectively Positive Reviews Award, former President George W. Bush).

Our second Personal Victimization Award goes to a man that, much like certain diseases, you can’t get rid of them if you tried. That’s right — Nick Viall is back in a Brilliant Bed commercial. Please watch it now. I’ll wait.

And we’re back. Boy did his dopey face rear its ugly head. While an attractive woman lives across the street, who looks alarmingly like rumored girlfriend January Jones, Nick cannot seem to connect with her because *GASP* his bed is uncomfortable. Listen, if a mattress has to teach you how to brush your teeth, you’ve got bigger fish to fry. In the immortal words of the Original JoJo, “Get out. LEAVE. Right now. BYE.”

Next week, we’ll see the place that made Kendall and her taxidermy and parents that all disapprove of Arie. It’s gonna be a train wreck. Until then.

XOXO,

Recap Girl

Chicago comedian and pop-culture lover, especially The Bachelor. Pro-corgi. Anti-horse. On Twitter @marissasayswhat. To quote Jeb Bush, "Please clap."