The Bachelor Episode 8: Papa Don’t Preach

Marissa Driscoll
7 min readFeb 26, 2019

Bachelor Nation,

Nothing but respect for MY president.

This week is one of the more pivotal ones every season — that’s right; it’s hometowns. A chance to see which Stars Hollow-esque towns birthed our Final Four and their families who are constantly rethinking every life choice made to date that led them to this hellfire. But remember kids: no matter how bad it gets, there’s no way it’s worse than Green Book winning Best Picture. Let’s go.

First up is Caelynn in Fredericksburg, Virginia, which sounds about as old fashioned as it looks. In keeping with that theme, Caelynn and Colton hop into a carriage ride to see all the sights in Fredericksburg — most importantly her pediatrician’s office. This tour is about as exciting as a colonoscopy. Then she tells Colton that her favorite place in town is the ice cream shop. *clears throat* BULLSH*T. She’s a beauty queen for Christ’s sake; she probably hasn’t even looked at a dairy product in about six years. Caelynn saying she loves the ice cream shop is like when Victoria’s Secret models eat Arby’s to seem relatable. Unless you pound an aggressive amount of tater tots while watching concurrent marathons of Law and Order: SVU and Say Yes to the Dress, I’m voting you off the island.

Once they’ve finished the town tour, it’s time for Caelynn’s family to grill Colton. And quelle surprise, they’re all skeptical. She has a nice bonding moment with stepdad John, who eventually gives his blessing to marry Caelynn. More on this later. Upon their farewell, Caelynn tells Colton she’s in love with him, and he barely reciprocates anything, which is honestly fine with me. There’s just something about her face that I do not trust at all.

Next up is Fancy Hannah, aka The Last of the Mo-Hannahs, aka Hannah with the Good Hair. Walking through Nowheresville, Alabama, Hannah eventually tells Colton they’ll be going to…an etiquette class? Absolutely not. The only etiquette class I recognize is one taught by Kathy Bates out of pure necessity.

Marissa Driscoll

Chicago comedian and pop-culture lover, especially The Bachelor. Pro-corgi. Anti-horse. On Twitter @marissasayswhat. To quote Jeb Bush, "Please clap."