The Bachelor Finale Part 1: I Don’t Love That
Bachelor Nation,
Much like Frances McDormand winning her Oscar on Sunday, “I’m hyperventilating a little bit. If I fall over, pick me up cause I’ve got some things to say.”
Let me just say that this will not be a typical Bachelor recap. They’re usually lighthearted, regardless of the drama. I had jokes planned. There was a great one about the runner up getting first dibs on the lead role in “The Shape of Water: Plenty of Fish” coming to theaters next year. There was another about Arie Sr. creating his own version of the Burn Book from Mean Girls and starting sh*t with Becca and Lauren. But that all feels wrong at the moment. Because this was, without a doubt, one of the craziest episodes of this show I’ve ever seen.
In case you’re new here, I’m about to lay down some Bachelor history for you. Over the years, Bachelor leads have been loved and hated for very different reasons. There’s Brad Womack, who chose no one in his first season. There’s Juan Pablo, who was just a douche canoe. But there are two that pulled the most hotly debated moves of all time: Jason Mesnick and Ben Higgins. Their stories are important here because they’ve both been completely eclipsed by Arie Lyin’ Dick Jr.
A brief summary: Jason Mesnick was an adorable single dad who got dumped on The Bachelorette after Deanna Pappas rejected his proposal. He became the Bachelor and chose Melissa Rycroft over Molly Malaney. But in the weeks following the finale, Jason had a change of heart and wanted to ask Molly for a second chance. In a private After the Final Rose, without an audience, Jason ended things with Melissa and Molly agreed to take him back after some concern for Melissa.
Melissa and Jason, for all intents and purposes, had broken up before that show taped and they said so in the days following the show’s airing. But this was controversial nonetheless because it had never been seen before. Cut to today, Jason and Molly are happily married with a kid, and Melissa has a herd of her own. Yay everyone.
Ben’s situation is a bit less complicated: he told his final two, Lauren and JoJo, that he loved them both. Again, that had never been done before. So you can imagine the outrage when Ben then dumped JoJo after making her believe she was the final one. JoJo became the Bachelorette, she’s happily engaged to Jordan, but Ben and Lauren didn’t last. Que sera sera.
Given what you’ve just read, you now know Arie has already pulled a Ben Higgins. The difference between Arie and Ben is that Ben seemed distraught about even having said “I love you” to two women — and Arie’s out here throwing it around like a catchphrase from Full House. And now, he’s about to check the Mesnick off his list. With all of that said, it’s time for the recap. Let’s go.
We’re back in Peru, and Lauren and Becca both meet Arie’s family. They’re markedly different women, leaving opposite impressions. Arie says that he has always felt a pull towards Lauren, but that Becca challenges him and they never run out of things to talk about. His family is split.
During the final dates, Lauren and Arie go to Machu Picchu, and Becca and Arie tour the town. Both girls tell him they love him, and he overwhelmingly reciprocates the feelings to each woman. Surprisingly, that’s the least controversial thing that happened this episode.
In what should be the episode’s final moments, Arie ends things with Lauren with a half-hearted goodbye. He repeatedly tells her he fell in love with someone else, but in his final farewell, tells Lauren he still loves her. To say the absolute least, this is beyond problematic. For one, he’s dumping a girl on national television and giving her mixed signals by once again reaffirming his feelings for her. And two, his soon to be fiancée is on the way. Lauren leaves broken hearted, and in her limo exit, she says the smartest thing all season long: “He told me he only made his decision this morning. So how can you be confident in proposing to someone when you just figured it out three hours ago?” EXACTLY. Yes, there is an expectation that the show will end with a proposal. But I think viewers would have forgiven Arie if he chose not to propose because he was quite obviously so conflicted. I feel sick.
Becca arrives for what should be the happiest moment of her life. Arie tells Becca he is going to choose her today, and every day, for the rest of their lives.
He proposes, she says yes, and we’re left with this classic Bachelor moment — after many weeks of trials and tribulations, the lead is a bachelor no longer. They both look incredibly happy, and Arie asks Becca, “When can we start having babies?” Y’all. This man…
Now that that’s settled, here comes the moment “never before seen in Bachelor history.” Because, in a truly callous move, Arie tells Chris Harrison before he tells his fiancée that he wants to end things with Becca and ask Lauren for a second chance. This is completely unbeknownst to Becca, as she arrives at typically private and so-called “Happy Couple” weekend. And yet there’s a camera crew present. Upon Arie’s arrival, he says the four worst words in the English language: “We need to talk.” I don’t care who you are — if your butt cheeks don’t immediately clench when you hear that sentence, you’re not human. Chris Harrison continues to plug that this is the first time they’ve ever shown the unedited version of events on this show. This could end up being the worst move this show has ever made.
Over the course of the next 45 minutes, we watch two people completely crumble under the weight of one’s decision. Arie, the human equivalent of flat seltzer paired with a week-old sleeve of stale saltines, tells Becca he hasn’t stopped thinking about Lauren and wants to pursue things with her. This is precisely how Arie begins the breakup:
“I still think about her, and I think you sense that. The more I hung out with you, the more I felt like I was losing the possibility of maybe reconciling things with Lauren.”
And this is Becca’s reply:
“Are you f*cking kidding me?”
With his gold-plated shovel, Arie continues to dig his own grave deeper and deeper. He refers to their relationship as “hanging out,” and if that’s what you call an engagement these days, I need to make some calls. In a blink-and-you-missed-it moment, Arie says he spoke to Lauren and the feelings are still there. He tells Becca, “I don’t think it’s fair to be half in with you,” to which she retorts, “So are you going to be half in with her?” “No,” he replies.
Becca reacts throughout the whole ordeal the only way a sane person would. There’s a lot of “this is so embarrassing” and “you’ve got to be kidding me.” She’s completely blindsided, and rightfully distraught. Arie tries to pull some bullsh*t on her, saying he knows she’s embarrassed and that he did this so it wouldn’t have to happen on After the Final Rose. Buddy, I don’t give a flying f*ck what contract you signed with ABC — you signed a lifelong one as a human the day your grey-haired, dopey ass came out of the womb. GIVE HER A G*DDAMNED HEADS UP. To bring a camera crew, document this blindsiding moment, and end an engagement for the world to see? That’s vicious. It’s not bad that he broke off an engagement — it’s how he broke off the engagement.
Becca is clearly fed up and goes to pack her bags. Though she’s begging him to leave, Arie follows her like an idiot. She says, “I’m not going to hug you goodbye,” so he just stands there saying nothing. When Becca is able to get a moment alone to cry in the bathroom, he knocks on the door and says, “Hey, are you okay?”
ARE YOU KIDDING ME, DUDE?! That’s something you say when she’s puking after too much tequila or finishes eating Taco Bell, not after you just ended an engagement! You just told her you were dumping her for another woman with a camera crew present to be broadcast to the entire country. Newsflash, dudes — when a woman tells you to leave, LEAVE. We’re not hoping you’ll stick around, and it’s not one of those “women give mixed signals” moments (primarily because those don’t exist). We actually want you to leave. Just Get. The F*ck. OUT.
Completely void of emotion, Arie continues following Becca like a puppy who doesn’t realize he’s on time out. He clearly wants her to absolve him of any wrongdoing, but too g*ddamn late, buddy. You’ve made your bed — now lie in it. It gets to the point where he lingers for so long, Becca begins to ask what she did wrong to deserve this. Ladies, if you ever, and I mean EVER, ask that question during a breakup, I will magically appear and smack you across the face. That is the last thing that should ever cross your mind. She’s holding it together the best she can, and best believe if I were Becca, I would’ve picked up a lamp and hit Arie with it by now.
Still refusing to leave, Arie sits beside Becca on the couch and mansplains her feelings to her. At most, he says he knows she’s embarrassed, and then finally says, “I’m sorry.” She repeatedly asks him to leave, and instead of respecting her wishes, he stays, waiting for some resolution that he did the right thing. It’s textbook guy behavior (YES ALL MEN ON THIS ONE) — he very clearly wants her to say “It’s okay” to give him some reassurance that he made the right choice, which is never going to happen, and a hug so he can feel like a good person. It isn’t until Becca asks for the fourth or fifth time that he actually departs. At this point, I’m screaming at my TV and I’m 83% certain my neighbors will call in a noise complaint.
Becca appears on stage for a brief moment, and then Chris Harrison reminds us we’re doing this all again tomorrow. B’kah, Kendall, Caroline, Tia, and Seinne run onto the stage to hug Becca, which might have been the best decision producers made tonight. That’s one of those moments a girl needs her besties, wine, and a phone call from mom.
And lastly, if you didn’t think this was one of the most savage moments in the show’s history, allow me to present a brief roundup of previous Bachelor contestants reacting:
This entire segment was brutal for a myriad of reasons, but chief among them gets this week’s Personal Victimization Award. It must be challenging to keep viewers entertained with a show as formulaic as The Bachelor for over 15 years. And I understand why they plugged this first-ever unedited segment in Bachelor and reality TV history. But you could hear from the studio audience — and read on Twitter — that this was severely misguided. Producers thought that by giving the audience the entire uncut segment, we’d be getting a behind-the-scenes glimpse of the full story on why Arie and Becca are no more. Instead, we saw a vicious and cold breakup, complete with an out of touch presentation in three segments, all preceded and followed by audible groans from the live studio audience. Every time Chris Harrison appeared to set up a segment or take us to commercial break, he looked like he swallowed a bug. Yes, it was unlike anything we’ve seen in the show’s history. But for the first time ever, I wish they’d edited the footage.
Tomorrow is the After the Final Rose show, wherein Arie, Becca, and Lauren will be reunited. I’m simultaneously terrified and anxious to watch the conclusion to this saga. Whatever happens, at least we’ll find out together. Deep breaths. Until then.
XOXO,
Recap Girl
