The Bachelor Finale Part 2: Back in the Saddle Again
Well Bachelor Nation,
The time has come. That’s right — it’s the final recap for Arie’s season of The Bachelor. And holy schnikes was this After the Final Rose a doozy. But my wine is poured, my cookie dough is open, and the sushi’s on its way. Let’s go.
We begin with a recap of yesterday’s tumultuous breakup because apparently production thinks we forgot the most dramatic moment in the history of this godforsaken show. What they should have done is shown Nick Viall’s Instagram recap. Caution: this is legitimately funny.
Meanwhile, Arie, looking like a 2018 hipster Dracula, has left California…for Virginia Beach. That’s right — that little skeeze dumped Becca and went straight to Lauren to get back together with her. He had a mild panic attack, then mustered the courage to ring her doorbell, and she jumped into his arms like he was a soldier lost at sea who returned from war. TL;DR — THIS CHICK KNEW EVERYTHING.
This moment is so telling of Arie and Lauren. Arie, an aging off-brand Ken doll with half-dead batteries, and Lauren, the human equivalent of a shrug, are finally able to be together. They gloss over the entire situation in their own special way, with most of Lauren’s questions focusing on the “why her and not me” angle of this. Arie tells Lauren he knows she’s been through hell, which concerns me because what does he think Becca has been through?
Mustering every ounce of neural strength from the tumbleweeds rolling around in her head, Lauren eventually asks the Million Dollar Question: “Why did you propose to Becca that day if you weren’t sure?” Ever the wordsmith, Arie says something to the effect of, “Because she was so confident in us, and I saw doubt from you.” He picked Becca, not because he wanted to, but because she was more confident than Lauren. Jesus Lord, save this man from himself and get him a lobotomy.
As expected, Lauren happily takes him back and puts the cherry on top of this bullsh*t sundae: “I know you know how nervous I was about an engagement, but I hope it isn’t far off.” Excuse me, Jesus? Can we get a two-for-one on that lobotomy? Thank you.
Back in the studio, Becca’s besties arrive to give Arie every piece of their mind. Making it clear they don’t blame Lauren, B’kah and Caroline go the hardest on him, saying Lauren needs to “get out now” and that they feel bad for her. Chris Harrison then asks Kendall if she feels they should have shown all of last night’s events unedited. She gracefully replies, “I’m glad it was shown because we got to see how strong Becca is.” These ladies came out like Taylor Swift’s squad in Bad Blood tonight and there is literally nothing I love more than seeing women support women. You all go, Glen Coco!
At long last, we get Becca in the hot seat to take us through everything that happened. First of all, looking hot while you get dumped is one major perk of being on The Bachelor. Meanwhile I walk outdoors with zit cream on my face one time to go to Walgreens and see two dudes I very briefly dated. Life isn’t fair.
She tells Chris Harrison about how she has moved on, but is still nervous to see Arie. Oh, and speak of the devil, the dead-eyed sociopath is right on time. Arie and Becca have their Closure Conversation, and I’m ready to move on. Plus my sushi’s here and I need to buzz the guy in.
Once the Mesnicks arrive, it’s clear they’re on to the Arie redemption tour portion of the evening. Sorry, buddy. I’m not buying it. I won’t be one of the crazies sending you death threats on social media (because that’s legitimately insane), but I would 100% laugh if you tripped on the sidewalk. Arie spouts some more nonsense, and then it’s time for him to reunite with Lauren.
True to form, there was a whole lotta nothin’ happening when Lauren showed up. ICYMI, here’s an actual exchange between Lauren and Chris:
Chris: “I can’t imagine what’s going through your head right now.”
Lauren: “Me neither.”
I would rather get Regina George’d in front of a bus than listen to Lauren say anything ever again. Seriously. Where’s Cady Heron when you need her to give someone a good push? And by someone, I mean me.
Lauren and Arie continue their “make good” by laughing off the whole situation like nothing major happened. An engagement was publicly and brutally ended, and you’re treating it like it’s nothing?
But my SVU senses are tingling. At this point, there’s still 45 minutes left in the show. Something big is coming. And then…it happens. Arie proposes to Lauren.
This moment gets our final Personal Victimization Award for the season. I had a feeling this was coming, but being prepared doesn’t mean I was ready. And whoever was clapping in that audience should never procreate. Chris Harrison tells them he hopes they have an engagement that at least lasts longer than the first one, which I believe was a good 6 weeks. Let’s think about this overall timeline, shall we? Arie and Becca got engaged around early/mid-November. Arie first contacted Lauren on New Year’s Day (that we know of, that little skeeze). Arie dumped Becca approximately mid/late-January. Which means a whopping 4–6 weeks later, he is engaged to another woman. Someone give me their chiropractor’s number because this whole thing is giving me whiplash. This entire situation is in such poor taste and I honestly don’t know what else to say. I just hope Becca was standing backstage watching so she could see the size of the scud missile she just dodged. So…congrats to Arie and Lauren, I guess? I hope you have a wonderfully silent life together. I bet you’d both…love that.
Finally, it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for — the announcement of our next Bachelorette. Everyone please welcome…BECCA!
Honestly, it was Becca’s job to lose. She had the back story, the heartbreak, and regardless of her edit this season, that last episode did the most for her campaign. I’m excited for her season, and when Arie and Lauren inevitably break up, fingers crossed Becca has some tall, charismatic dude on her arm that makes us all say, “Arie who?” Ending this episode on a perfect note, Chris Harrison invites Becca’s girls on the stage and they pack that loveseat like my t-shirt drawer. They gush about Becca and how deserving she is of love, and the only way this segment could get any better is if they all popped up and did the One Tree Hill Spice Girls dance.
But just when you think it’s over, Chris Harrison pulls another fast one on us. That’s right — Becca’s journey starts tonight. Considering they start filming soon, this isn’t such a surprise. And just in case you’re new here, it’s totally plausible that all these guys were hand picked for Becca. After all, she and Arie ended in January/February, right in the thick of casting. A brief recap (within the recap):
- Lincoln: has an accent, totally nervous, called Arie a “wanker.” 9/10 Roses
- Chase: needs to take the Bump-It out of his hair earlier, but I’m not mad at it. 6.5/10 Roses
- Ryan: rolled in playing the banjo, and often it’s the musicians that are terrible. But he’s a sincere-looking Joseph Gordon Levitt clone with a smile that gives me some serious Dean vibes, so I’m forgiving for the moment. 8/10 Roses
- Darius: clearly very physical and has major swag. Didn’t get a great read on his personality and I wasn’t a huge fan of how he looked at Becca like a damn snack, but I’m digging the bald thing. 7/10 Roses
- Blake: brought a horse. We all know how I feel about horses. 5.5/10 Roses
And that’s it. Another season of The Bachelor has drawn to a close. I’ll see you on May 28 for Becca’s first episode of The Bachelorette, perhaps before to talk through Becca’s guys. For everyone that’s been a part of this one, I’m not Chris Harrison. Until next time!
XOXO,
Recap Girl
