The Bachelor Promo is Here and I Have Some Feelings
Bachelor Nation, it has been far too long. With about six weeks left until the premiere of Colton’s not-even-close-to-January-pun-worthy season, we’re in a constant state of anxiety, waiting for the next tidbit of information to grace our Twitter feeds.
Ladies and gentlemen, that day has finally arrived. The first promo has finally dropped.
And how sweet it is. Lest we forgot (and if so, how dare you), I’m not Colton’s biggest fan. Firmly planted in Team Blake’s camp, Colton and his suspiciously year-round tan have yet to earn my trust. Nevertheless, I remain excited about this season — I’m devoted to a fault (my mom would argue this is a gross understatement), and refuse to let a lackluster leading man deter me from the years of commitment to this show.
Now, before we begin, a few ground rules. This blog is snarky. If that’s not what butters your bread, then show yourself out. Second, we take things at face value from The Bachelor. That means whatever is shown on TV, it’s gospel (though we will call out gross editing errors).
Without further ado, The Promo.
We open on the requisite shot of Colton showering on the beach. Nothing indicates the patriarchy at work quite like a beachfront shower. If you have hair longer than Colton’s 2018 ramen noodle coif, that lack of water pressure is catastrophic. The ladies are enamored with his “hot body,” with one woman apparently reenacting Kristen Wiig’s performance in Bridesmaids.
Flipping a tire down a suspiciously clean alleyway, the truest sign of Physical Phitness™ in Bachelor world, suitors are fanning themselves due to Colton’s, in the words of Janis Ian, technically good physique. And then, when we least expect it, this record scratch, car crash, choke-on-your-morning-coffee, what the f*ck did she just say comment comes rolling onto our screens like a freight train:
Girl: “I haven’t dated a virgin since I was 12.”
Yep, you read that right. I don’t know who Miss Wilhemina Shakespeare thinks she is, but if that was supposed to be some set up to a poetic punchline, it grossly missed the mark. Kind of like in darts when you think you’re about hit the bullseye only to have the pointy end bludgeon an innocent bystander directly in the tush. Regardless, I must know more about this woman. She is a fascinating sight to behold, and I’d put money on her having befriended a woodland creature between the ages of 6 and 14.
The promo moves on with Colton carrying various clones of an Olsen (Mary Kate, Ashley, or Elizabeth), while the voiceover reiterates his virginity. But lo! What awaits beyond the horizon? THE FANTASY SUITES.
In case you’re new here (fair warning — you likely picked a sh*t season to start), Colton will be “required” to partake in the time-honored tradition of venturing behind closed doors, screens, and poorly-secured yet aesthetically-pleasing curtains with his final three ladies. While it’s not imperative he take the highway to the Boner Zone (an underrated Kenny Loggins hit if you ask me), the majority of previous leads have. Ultimately, we don’t know if he will or he won’t lose his virginity in Singapore, but one thing’s for sure — he won’t.
Disagree? Let’s give this four brain cells worth of thought. He’s made it this far with his v-card snug as a bug in a well-protected rug; there’s no way he would give up now. Don’t believe me? His Royal Handsomeness Christopher B. Harrison appears to give Colton a version of The Talk. Tough look for my guy — he was so focused on football that he missed sophomore year health class and had to settle for the Dr. Phil’d version of a Wikipedia entry.
The remainder of the promo continues as normal — lots of tears, boilerplate women fighting over a man, and gross platitudes that will likely mean nothing or not appear at all once the season begins airing. And then, we get what’s sure to be an iconic screengrab from our lead. Colton might not have made a splash in the NFL, but he is rivaling the Queen of Ugly Crying, Kim Kardashian.
The only things that can induce this level of ugly tears are truly heartbreaking, but either way, Colton is showing more emotion in this 2.4 second clip than we’ve ever seen in his limited franchise tenure. I’m into it.
Just when you expect stock footage of an ambulance to roll across our screens, a truly shocking moment happens. Colton, clearly upset/pissed/insert strong emotion here, shakes his producer, makes Chris Harrison say, “Holy sh*t,” and jumps a gate. Cleanly. AND ON THE FIRST TRY.
What form! What precision! To clear that height in what is clearly not athletic gear…bravo. Sir, a tip of the cap and polite, tiny nod to you. Only Burt Macklin (aka Andy Dwyer) was ever that smooth.
The promo closes on one of Colton’s women saying, “What…just…happened?” Girl, I and your eyelash extensions do not know, but I cannot wait to find out.
Stay tuned and subscribe for more Koala-Tee Content before the season premiere on January 7. I’ll be back with some bold, totally unscientific predictions based on nothing other than conjecture, as well as the second ever Definitive Analysis, where we’ll break down Colton’s women. I hope you’re as excited as I am for your Mondays to go to hell in a hand basket, for which you can blame something other than work.
Until then.
XOXO,
Recap Girl
