The Bachelor: The Definitive Analysis of Colton’s Future Ex-Girlfriends
We meet again, Bachelor Nation.
Once each year, an elite class of recruits leave their homes and loved ones behind for the chance at their ultimate dream — one they’ve worked towards their entire lives, grooming themselves and training for years for just One Shining Moment.
Calm down — it’s not March Madness. It’s March Madness’s hotter, emotionally unstable cousin, Bachelor Bio Drop. Are you ready?
That’s right folks, the day has finally arrived and hoo boy, this crop of Sigma Chi Sweethearts — sorry, women — are a doozy. We’ll be handing out some totally superficial judgements and pre-season predictions. So brace yourselves because it’s time for the Breakdown Before Their Emotional Breakdowns.
EDITOR’S NOTE: For you newbies — we’re heavy on the snark here. These first impressions and judgements therein are solely based on ABC’s middle school yearbook-style headshots and elevator pitch biographies. If something I say offends you, please, on the scale of shouting it into a pillow or tweeting it to the universe, choose your own adventure. Truth be told, I could only hope to have teeth that white and a body type classified as something other than durable. In fact, if you conducted a gender-swap photo of my face, I bear a strong resemblance to the lead singer of Creed. So let’s end 2018 on a high note with our hopefully-not-boot-cut jeans and giggle at the silliness that is The Bachelor. Also an editor didn’t write this. It’s still me. Obviously.
Without further ado — the ladies of The Bachelor.
Alex B., 29 — dog rescuer from Vancouver, BC. Come on, ABC, starting out with a dog rescue owner from Canada? I hope to God she’s the villain this season. Otherwise she’s just a nice human doing good things for animals. Gross.
Alex D., 23 — sloth from Boston, MA. Another animal on The Bachelor? The infamous Sha-Dolphin Alexis from Nick’s season is shooketh. Is regularly asked, “Are you lost?” Will get carded until she’s 43.
Angelique, 28 — marketing salesperson from Hamilton, NJ. Apparently Angelique likes corny jokes, so an actual ABC employee wrote one in her bio: “Why did Colton cross the road? To meet you, of course!” Please withhold their paycheck this month. Angelique deserves better.
Annie, 23 — financial associate from New York, NY. Annie apparently grew up riding horses and competed nationally in horse riding. And if I know anything about girls who love horses, it’s that they’ll never love another human as much as they love a horse. So here’s hoping Colton picks Annie, and Annie rejects him for a horse. What a finale that would be.
Bri, 24 — model from Los Angeles, CA. A model? On The Bachelor? Groundbreaking. I look forward to her journey in the pursuit of #SponCon. Aspires to be in a commercial for Carl’s Jr. during the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. Will actually do infomercials for a local car dealership.
Caelynn, 23 — Miss North Carolina 2018 from Charlotte, NC. Apparently Caelynn once flew to Japan on a date. And that date was April 25 because it wasn’t too hot, and wasn’t too cold. All she needed was a light jacket. Honestly I’m mostly curious how she made it back alive and not as a “ripped from the headlines” episode of Law and Order: SVU.
Caitlin, 25 — realtor from Toronto, ON. We have two Canadians so far in this crop of ladies. Or, when converted to Americans, one Midwesterner mid-“ope, sorry, didn’t see ya there!” Fun fact: Toronto is the New York of Canada without the superiority complex but with a light scent of urine in certain neighborhoods.
Cassie, 23 — speech pathologist from Huntington Beach, CA. Pretty sure producers just raided sorority houses during grad photo sessions because we’ve got ourselves another 23-year old, folks. I look forward to mistaking her for another blonde with a middle part. Will be in a Lifetime movie before she hits 26 as the trusting young suburban mom with a hot neighbor who turns out to be a serial killer.
Catherine, 26 — DJ from Fort Lauderdale, FL. Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve hit the jackpot. Catherine, aka DJ Agro, is dubbed by ABC as “an up-and-coming hip-hop DJ making a name for herself on the Ft. Lauderdale club scene.” Apparently if you play one bar mitzvah you’re considered “up-and-coming.” Also didn’t know senior homes were called clubs in Fort Lauderdale. How progressive!
Courtney, 23— caterer from Atlanta, GA. Courtney was born in Germany and started a business creating healthy meals for athletes. So if Colton doesn’t pick her, at least she’ll be able to cater his wedding. Which, quite frankly, is an upgrade.
Demi, 23 — interior designer from Red Oak, TX. “She loves ATVs, fishing, watching WWE, and can drive a stick shift. And honestly, she doesn’t have a lot of girl friends because girls can be so catty. She gets along with guys way better. Chugs beer. Great rack.” — how a dude would write Demi as a character in a rom com. Has said the sentence, “My daddy loves huntin’.” Will hock JoJo Fletcher’s sponsored curling iron.
Devin, 23 — broadcast journalist from Medford, OR. Jesus Christ, are middle parts back? There are so many girls so far with middle parts. Am I behind in the times? Because I cannot pull that off. I’d look like an apostle with my hair parted in the middle. But like good for you, Devin, super happy for your hair versatility and great eyebrows.
Elyse, 31— makeup artist from Soldotna, AK. Oh, Elyse. You don’t stand a chance. Being in your 30s on The Bachelor is like being a supervisor at day care. You’re going to spend most of the time saying, “Sweetie, maybe it’s time to put down the bottle and take a nap,” instead of asking a hot man if he’s free on Thursday. Will be exasperated in all ITMs. Will also go harder than any 23 year old because you know she’s seen some sh*t.
Erika, 25— recruiter from Encinitas, CA. Apparently Erika’s “secret talent” is eating whatever she wants without gaining weight. Unless “whatever she wants” is limited to a bag of mixed greens and a cube of cheese, I call bullsh*t. Then again, her friends’ nickname for her is The Nut. And that makes sense, because this b*tch be crazy.
Erin, 28 — Cinderella from Plano, TX. I…I can’t. I’m just copying and pasting Erin’s bio here because this is Olympic-level craftsmanship from The Bachelor. It is phenomenal and cannot be improved upon. Here we go. “Erin works full time for her stepmother’s home improvement business. She’s not afraid to get her hands dirty but cleans up nicely. When she’s not working, Erin enjoys ballroom dancing (as long as it’s not too late of a night). Erin also loves expensive shoes but admits she can do a better job keeping track of them. She loves pumpkin spice lattes.” Bravo. Also 2018 Cinderella is absolutely a PSL fan. Good call.
Hannah B., 23 — Miss Alabama 2018 from Tuscaloosa, AL. I’m honestly shocked it took us this long two have two Miss USA contestants in the Bachelor mansion simultaneously. Then again it is an off-year for presidential elections, so neither were eligible to replace Mike Pence as vice president. Oh well, there’s always 2020!
Hannah G., 23 — content creator from Birmingham, AL. In case you’re having trouble telling the difference between Hannah B. and Hannah G., Hannah B. is facing to the right, while Hannah G. is facing to the left. You’re welcome. If she ends up with Colton, they’ll be called Ken and Barbie. She will not correct anyone and will secretly love it.
Heather, 22 — never been kissed from Carlsbad, CA. Please, for the love of GOD, Heather, don’t waste your first kiss on Colton. He might have muscles, but he’s no Michael Vartan. And if you don’t get that reference, go sit in the corner and think about what choices led you to this point because how dare you. Looks like she will end up married to a religious member of the San Diego Padres.
Adrianne “Jane”, 26 —social worker from West Hollywood, CA. She’s pretty, has a dog, loves her mom, helps people for a living, and seems stable. Or, as she’s known in Bachelor-world, “boring.” Has been approached in a bar by the Los Angeles Kings’ entire roster. She entertained them, but wished it were the Lakers.
Katie, 26 —medical sales representative from Sherman Oaks, CA. Katie enjoys yoga, dancing, and sushi. I look forward to reading her Instagram post following her departure from The Bachelor filled with motivational platitudes about her emotional journey while I annihilate a grilled cheese.
Kirpa, 26 — dental hygienist from Whittier, CA. Dental hygienists are to The Bachelor what personal trainers are to The Bachelorette. If there isn’t at least one each season, ABC has to cancel the show. Though she’ll only mention Colton’s flossing habits once in an interview, the sound bite will follow her for at least 3 episodes.
Laura, 26 — accountant from Dallas, TX. Her name is not Lauren. Why isn’t her name Lauren? What is “Laura?” Is this some new-fangled nickname for Lauren? I must investigate. There must have been a mistake.
Nicole, 25 — social media coordinator from Miami, FL. In terms of job titles, social media coordinator is the dental hygienist of personal trainers. It’s a job title so vaguely specific that it makes you squint while listening, as if that makes it easier to understand. Will speak in hashtags. Isn’t actually that great at building her personal brand. LOVES tequila sodas.
Nina, 30— sales account manager from Raleigh, NC. Nina and her family fled Croatia in the midst of a conflict when she was a child. So it’s a veritable certainty that Nina will get a one-on-one date to share her story with Colton in a more private setting only to be unceremoniously dumped in an art museum in, I’m guessing, suburban Philadelphia. I don’t know. Just a guess.
Onyeka, 24 — IT risk consultant from Dallas, TX. Onyeka’s parents apparently got engaged after knowing each other for two weeks, making them the only people in the world likely to say, “It’s been six weeks; hurry the f*ck up already!” Her parents will be in her intro package, and they will be adorable.
Revian, 24 — nurse from Santa Monica, CA. I don’t know if nurse and esthetician are interchangeable, but ABC seems to think so. This is the reality TV version of Stu from The Hangover asking to see his friend’s hospital chart by claiming he’s a medical doctor, when really he’s a dentist. Looks like she legitimately enjoys hot yoga, which is a huge red flag.
Sydney, 27— NBA dancer from New York, NY. Apparently Sydney has never had a boyfriend, which might make this the biggest overcorrection in history. Going from no boyfriend ever to The Bachelor is like going to the Cheesecake Factory, asking for Coke, but when they say they only have Pepsi, you ask for a bag of glass instead. Just date the sh*tty Pepsi’s in New York, Sydney; don’t marry this bag of glass!
Tahzjuan, 25 — business development associate from Castle Pines, CO. She has a tattoo that says, “I love bad ideas,” which explains why she’s on this show. Colton will slowly pronounce her name with a slightly higher inflection in his voice at least 3 times on the first night until her “gets it down pat.”
Tayshia, 28 — phlebotomist from Corona Del Mar, CA. Hehehe. Phlebotomist. Will give Colton an aneurysm when trying to explain her career. Bri will short-circuit if she tries to say “phlebotomist.”
Tracy, 31— wardrobe stylist from Los Angeles, CA. If Ursula’s hot alter ego from Little Mermaid became a real woman, she’d be Tracy. Has un-ironically dressed up as sexy Little Red Riding Hood at least twice in her life. Would willingly get a pet iguana.
Now that we’ve met the ladies, it’s time for some Totally Unfounded Predictions™. Don’t forget, this is a Spoiler-Free Zone, so these are once again purely superficial judgement calls:
- Not Here to Make Friends: Catherine/DJ Agro
- Weepiest: A Hannah
- Miss Congeniality: Caitlin
- Most Likely to Not Accept This Rose: Sydney
- Winner: Caelynn
- The Next Bachelorette: Adrianne “Jane”
And that’s all, folks! See you January 7 when the debauchery begins.
XOXO,
Recap Girl
