The Bachelorette Episode 1: Please Don’t Edit This Out
Oh Bachelor Nation,
On this Memorial Day Weekend, we’re gifted with something truly special — the premiere episode of Becca’s journey to find love, and our journey to find men we’ll follow on Instagram for 3–6 months before removing them from our feeds due to endorsements galore. It’s Christmas in May and Chris Harrison is our dapper, absentee Santa Claus. Let’s go.
In case you forgot the most traumatic breakup to ever happen to all of America, never fear. We open this season with a retrospective of Arie’s overall douchbaggery, and though part of me wants others to suffer as much as I have, I scream into my pillow to avoid disturbing the neighbors. But when I remember Lauren still hasn’t seen this, I remove the pillow and increase my volume. The world needs to feel my pain.
But Becca mended her heart in good ol’ Minnesota and now she’s ready to do the damn thing. As is typical of previous seasons, Becca arrives at the Bachelor mansion for the requisite therapy session with Bachelorettes past — JoJo, Rachel, and Kaitlyn. JoJo burns sage to rid the house of negativity and Kaitlyn provides ace commentary, but Rachel whips out the line of the night: “And please don’t edit this out, but f*ck him.” We’re not worthy of these ladies. I’m making a bold prediction here and saying that these four will form the Mount Rushmore of Bachelorettes. If you disagree, please keep it to yourself.
At long last, it’s time to meet some of Becca’s men. A short refresher:
- Clay: big fan of the pensive stare into the great beyond which should bode well for his future on the franchise.
- Garrett: if his social media record didn’t make me dislike him enough (more on that later), that terrible impression of a Chris Farley character just set him over the top on my “hard pass” scale.
- Jordan: he’s a life-size Ken from Toy Story 3 in every single way. And that is not a compliment.
- Lincoln: that voice though.
- Joe: my dude can handle a tomato. Once again, I’m all in.
- Jean Blanc: calls himself a colognoisseur, which I believe is the 2018 version of entrepreneur. Congrats on your unemployment, JB.
- Colton: I like that he’s charitable, but I cannot get a read on this dude. Opinion TBD.
Once the limo arrivals have concluded, the fun finally begins. Connor, aka Señor Tall Hair, snatches Becca first. He sabres a bottle of champs and drinks directly from it. Skilled, yet gross. Clay and Becca make clay figurines of each other (see what he did there?). She then speaks to John the software engineer, who says he “made the app for Venmo.” This season is over now. John wins.
The night moves on as scheduled with a few more guys making their play for Becca’s heart. Then it’s Blake’s turn — and the sweet music cues up for the first time this season. He tells the story of his last breakup and she is eating it up, which means we need to keep an eye on this man.
In the middle of a fishing lesson with Garrett, the viewers are met with some unwelcome drama — that’s right, we have our first man who is not “here for the right reasons.” I’ll pause while you refill your beverages.
Chase and Chris give Becca her first unofficial two-on-one for the season, wherein one man presents a very thin case for why the other man isn’t here for Becca. Did I forget who was who already? You bet. Do I have the strength and mental fortitude to conduct a Half-Assed Internet Search? Absolutely not. She leaves the conversation just as confused as I am, which is in the running for the most relatable thing to ever happen on this show.
But that moment paled in comparison to what transpired with Jake in all his Kyle MacLachlan-inspired hair glory. You see, Jake and Becca knew each other in Minneapolis, and she’s wondering why it took him so long to express any interest in her. He tries to come up with some nonsense excuses, and Becca is not having any of it. She says they’ve met multiple times, yet he says he only remembers meeting her once. I don’t know about you ladies, but nothing says, “I’m interested in you” quite like a guy essentially saying you were only memorable 33% of the time. Hubba hubba.
Just when you think it couldn’t get any worse, Jake gets out his Mansplaining Shovel to dig his own grave even deeper. While Becca tells him she wouldn’t trust his intentions and doesn’t want to waste his time, Jake drops this whopper:
“It sounds like you might be hanging on to a different me, when I was at a different point in my life. I’ve had a very transformative year. I’m a new Jake.”
Jake, I don’t give a rat’s ass how good your lobotomy was — “I’m not interested in you” isn’t a starting point for negotiations; it’s a conversation ender. He doesn’t take the hint until Becca literally stands up in the middle of his sentence to send him home. He leaves on a rant, including how he’s one of the most romantic guys ever and is overall wonderful. Sorry your ego got bruised, my dude. I wish I could find a f*ck to give.
Before we move on, I want to take a moment to appreciate Male Model Jordan’s commentary. I don’t know what upper someone gave him before he got to the mansion, but I need to buy stock in it because clearly that sh*t’s working overtime. His stream of consciousness quips are something we’ve never quite seen on this show, which makes you wonder exactly how much of Jordan was left on the cutting room floor. And so, with that in mind, it’s time for a new segment: Quote of the Week. Ladies and gentlemen, our inaugural recipients:
“My brand is the pensive gentleman,”
and
“Being a male model is taxing.”— Jordan
The old Marissa might get annoyed with Jordan and his clearly visible ploys, but this season, I’m choosing to enjoy the ride. He’s essentially Robby Hayes, but if Robby Hayes were also a combination of Joey Donner in 10 Things I Hate About You and Derek Zoolander. Here’s hoping we see his version of Magnum soon.
A few more conversations occur and then the moment arrives — the First Impression Rose. And it goes to…..Garrett. Listen, guys, I wish I could be happy about this pick. Sincerely. But there are some things that were found via Garrett’s Instagram that are less than appealing. I’ll leave it there and let you all decide for yourselves.
At long last, as the sun rises over the Mexican tile roof, it’s time for the first rose ceremony. And I have to say, given my mild predictions for this season, there were some shocking departures. But none hurt more than Joe the Grocery Store Owner. Yet…this means (in theory) he’s up for grabs. So with that in mind, I have some shopping to do.
This week’s Personal Victimization Award goes to something I didn’t quite think I’d miss. While Jordan’s overall behavior is something to behold and chicken-suited David shouted “Bec-CAW” every 30 seconds, we didn’t have that classic sloppy, what-was-that-guy-thinking moment. No one stripped down to their skivvies to hop in the pool, no one go too toasted. It was…dare I say it…tame. It was so unlike The Bachelorette to have most guys keep their heads literally and figuratively above the water that it left me shaken to my core. If they continue to throw these curveballs at us this season, I’m not sure how much longer I can continue.
Ugh who am I kidding. My name is Marissa and I’m a Bachelor-franchise addict.
That does it for the first episode of the season. The teaser has it all — an ambulance, love, romance, arguments, Jordan yelling nonsense at who knows what, the works. But if you’ve ever been on Tinder, you know this to be true: The Bachelorette’s teaser is just the guy’s profile tagline and photos, but the full season is actually meeting him in person. And so, much like every online date I’ve ever been on, I look forward to having my high expectations dashed once the full season plays out in front of us. It should be a real scream.
Until then.
XOXO,
Recap Girl
