Well hello there, Bachelor Nation,
We’re so close to the end I can see the light at the end of the love tunnel. We get a break from the romance to get the show back to its roots — its bitchy, whiny roots. A show that, if a man ever tells you women get too emotional, you should pop onto the DVR and sit him on the couch to prove his ignorant ass wrong. Let’s go.
Chris Harrison welcomes us to what is sure to be a moderately oversold night of drama. Advertising all the men gracing our screens, the show kicks off with an absolutely insane Bachelor in Paradise promo. You want drama? Check. Romance? Ding ding. Actual accusations of a Russian being a witch? Oh it’s there.
All I’m saying is the season looks bananas and I cannot wait.
Moving right along, we get a recap of this season’s shenanigans, but it’s primarily a Jordan highlight reel. The arguments that follow gave me such severe whiplash I’m planning on sending Chris Harrison my hospital bill. And so I present to you — The Recap Within the Recap.
- Chris — also known as Tommy “The Screamer” from FRIENDS (second option is Eddie from FRIENDS, but I vote Ben Stiller) admits fault and apologizes for his indiscretions. NEXT!
- Jean Blanc — confronted for saying “I love you” then leaving, he rages against Colton and attacks his virginity. And that bleeped quote that sent everyone into a tizzy? Fair warning — this is legitimately filthy. *ahem* “How are you out here calling people p*ssies when you haven’t even been in one?” When I tell you I clutched the pearls I was not wearing, LORD someone get the salts. More on that later. Moving right along.
- Colton — confronted numerous times throughout the entire exchange by Jordan, Jean Blanc, and others, primarily for his relationship with Tia.
- David — apologizes for antagonizing Jordan. Whatever.
- Dude from Night One — I think this one was a garden-variety Chris or something, but regardless he hops off his high horse and physically confronts Jordan like they’re on Jerry Springer. No one gets hit. I am disappointed.
…I think that’s it. I need a drink.
First up in the hot seat is, naturally, Jordan. I’m so burnt out from this season, I can’t even lightly entertain Jordan’s antics. Asked to defend himself, Jordan says he’s unapologetic and would have fun regardless if he’s on the beach or in a cardboard box. Personally I want to put him in a box and ship him somewhere far, far away, but unfortunately that’s “against regulations” and “frowned upon.” But just as you thought it was over, Chris Harrison, that antagonist, asks Jordan about The Golden Underwear. Sure enough, he’s wearing it and shows it off. What an asshat.
But never fear, Bachelor Nation — we have a palette cleanser at the ready in the form of Grocery Joe. Showing his brief time on The Bachelorette, Joe tells Chris all about his new life and the kindness of fans via social media. Which brings us to this week’s Personal Victimization Award. This one is almost too personally victimizing, because when Chris pulled up a series of tweets about Joe, not a single one of them belonged to me. Everything I’ve worked for, everything I’ve ever wanted…just…slipped through my fingers. A brief moment of silence for me.
Okay that’s enough.
And now, it’s time for Wills, human reaction gif and winner of Bachelorette High School’s Best Dressed for the Class of 2018. Rewatching his heartbreak, it’s clear the emotion is still there for Wills. While his time is short and sweet, I’m still all about Wills. He should be one to watch on Bachelor in Paradise.
Next in the hot seat is Colton. Look, I’ve been roasting this dude since week one for a variety of reasons. I won’t roast his virginity. It was obviously shocking to initially hear it, but let’s stop ragging on the guy about it. He believes people think he’s less of a man when they hear it, and that Jean Blanc’s comment was incredibly hurtful (it was). Just let him live. ON THE OTHER HAND, this whole Tia situation is still some nonsense. Colton said he and Tia hung out before Arie’s season aired (sure Jan) and that she was supportive. Colton, Tia was supportive the same way my mom says, “Do whatever you want.” YOU NEVER DO WHATEVER YOU WANT — IT IS A TRAP. Once again, we’re set up for some drah-mah in paradise this summer.
Last but most certainly not least, Jason arrives with his new haircut in tow. What an upgrade — absolutely snatched to the GAWDS. Recounting his relationship with Becca, he laments that he never saw it coming, especially at his hometown. And then, once again, Jason comes in hot with our Quote of the Week referring to his brother and brother-in-law’s relationship.
“I’m going to steal this line from Oprah — love is love is love. And it doesn’t matter to me if you are gay, straight, lesbian, bi, transgender, if you have a strong relationship. Everybody can take away competencies from that relationship and make it their own.”
That settles it. Jason has to be The Bachelor. I need more of that tolerant, progressive, hockey-loving man in my life.
At long last, Becca arrives to confront her jilted men. Jason and Becca share a sweet moment and he simply hopes they can be friends. She then confronts The Tia Situation, maintaining that it’s no big deal and that neither Tia nor Colton should receive hate for it. Moving on to Wills, the Becca Love Fest continues. It’s clear all of these guys respect her, which is something that cannot be said for every lead of this show.
Aaaaand then Jean Blanc hops up. Clearly hoping for a redemption edit, he begins a long-winded apology for his behavior the night he left. Then, just before I fell asleep with my eyes open, he whips out a gift for Becca. You guessed it — another fragrance. Usually the #SponCon is reserved for Instagram, but it seems social media has filtered onto ABC. To paraphrase the musical Hamilton, “Well you’re never gon’ be Bachelor now (never gon’ be Bachelor now).”
After a brief exchange with Grocery Joe, Chris has the final word. He delivers a genuine apology for his behavior, and we think all is well. And then a gospel choir comes out to sing an original tune, “Chris Was A Jerk.” Y’all this is a certifiable bop and I will listen to it on repeat for years.
We close out the show with a fantastic showing of bloopers, followed by an emotional preview of next week’s finale, and then Venmo John gets a phenomenal credits sequence scene mathematically schooling Jordan on how many profiles he’d have to look at in order to get over 4,000 Tinder matches. Ladies and gentlemen, I think I’m in love. Again. Whatever just let me live.
And that’s it for this episode. We’re so close, but next Monday is a marathon, not a sprint. Stretch up.