The Bachelorette Episode 2: Hoe, But Make It Fashion
Bachelor Nation,
I cannot tell you how good it feels to be back for another week of Becca and her house-ful of arm candy. It’s little joys like this that I miss for some time, but will inevitably get sick of once this season drags on just a tad too long. What a treat. Let’s go.
We kick off with an appearance from our good friend Chris Harrison, officially welcoming the men to the mansion. After sprinkling in some light trolling of The Chicken (aka David), he ominously leaves the first date card of the season on the coffee table. Let the journey begin.
At the first group date, Becca and her gents (term used loosely and can be revoked at any time) suit up for what they think will be a classy day out. Jordan even shows the men and Becca his “walk,” and completes it with our Quote of the Week:
“I’m a professional at wearing clothes.” — Jordan
Yes, there were many contenders, but anyone can make up a word. Jordan somehow managed to string together actual words into a sentence so asinine, it’s almost Shakespearean. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
But as usual, there’s a twist to this date — this time in the form of an obstacle course, hosted by Rachel and Bryan! I’m still Team Peter, but they’ve grown on me like a fine wine (but like a wine I might not buy a lot, but I’ll still drink it if it’s on the table, ya feel me?).
For a quick recap of this course: the men must stick their nards into a cold tub, run up and down some slippery stairs, crawl under a tarp, put flowers in a pot, eat cake, find a ring, and crawl on their knees to Becca who is waiting at the altar. Where to begin…
Much like Game 1 of the NBA Finals (if you need to catch up, Google “JR Smith” — it’s that easy), this event is filled with much controversy. It seems Lincoln hopped out of his cold tub a little quicker that the other guys and Señor Tall Hair does not seem to be too thrilled with this realization. Nevertheless, a tape review is not called for, and Lincoln wins.
At the cocktail party, Becca gifts Lincoln a photo of his win. And he is thrilled. Considering this reaction, you would have thought Becca gave him a ridiculously expensive crystal duck.
Tall Hair will not let this go, and when Lincoln sets the photo on the table in front of the men, all hell breaks loose. Aside from the verbal spat that ensues, Tall Hair is so peeved that he decides to take the photo and launch it into the night. We’re talking over the river and through the woods, to grandmother’s house it goes. In case you missed it, may I present Sir Andrew Bernard in a dramatic reenactment:
Lincoln is clearly distraught about this action and finds Becca to regale her with the events. As soon as she escapes Lincoln’s intense emotions, she confronts Tall Hair and asks him why he did such a thing. With a look on her face that says, “I can’t believe I shaved my legs for this,” Becca intently listens to his excuses before finding a quick exit. Tall Hair, all I have to say is this: if Becca has to watch her shitty ex-fiancé propose to another woman on live television and pretend to look happy about it, then you can handle looking at a photo of her with a dude she’ll never marry.
Spending the remainder of her time with Jean Blanc, Becca gets what looks like a damn good kiss, and Jean Blanc rightfully earns the group date rose. Jean Blanc, if you’re reading this (and you should be) you can put your face on my face any time. I’m not kidding. All I wrote in my notes for this was “YES henny” and “mmph.”
But now that the drama is over, we can move on to the first one-on-one date this season. And the lucky recipient is…Blake! Blake and his manly yet dainty features get some special face time with Becca. But I find it difficult to focus on their connection because they’re about to embark on, quite literally, the greatest date in the history of this franchise.
Now, I know what you’re thinking, and you’re right — the phrase “greatest ever” and “most dramatic” are thrown around this show like rice at a wedding. But this time, I mean it.
Welcomed to a warehouse by Chris Harrison and a sledgehammer, they walk into the Museum of Becca’s Broken Engagement. And who should be standing there, but Lil Jon.
And then they get to live out every woman’s fantasy — to destroy the remnants of her ex’s belongings and reminders of their relationship without fear of arrest or charges. Set perfectly to “Turn Down for What,” Becca and Blake go nuts with the sledgehammers. I squee-ed with delight so many times I’m sure my neighbors think there’s a captive animal in here. I refuse to apologize.
At their evening date, they’re talking over an untouched meal as usual, but I have to say — I’m into it. Sure, he’s a bit boring for TV. But they’re clearly into each other and have a ton of chemistry. Becca gives Blake the rose, and he readily accepts.
Now, it’s time for our next group date. The guys board a school bus and head to a gym, where they are immediately berated by vicious 7-year olds. Making them run drills then scrimmaging dodgeball, they soon find out they’ll be playing a game in front of a live audience. Competition sports? On The Bachelorette?
Pitting Team Pink against Team Green, it seems the latter is winning handily. Leo and his hypnotic hair seems to be evading elimination though, as he’s always the last one standing for Team Pink. Subsequently, in a producer interview, Leo says that you should play dodgeball with your heart, not with your muscles.
During the evening portion, Becca furthers her connection with Garrett and makes out with Wills and his fancy jacket. But all of that is eclipsed when Colton decides he has to tell Becca something that could change the course of their relationship. Judging by the previews, I thought I had a good handle on this new-fangled secret. I could not have been more wrong.
And so, I present:
The Thoughts of Me When-upon Colton Hath Dropped Said Truth Bomb.
Colton: “I need to tell Becca something.”
Me: “Is it that you’re a virgin?”
Colton: “It might ruin things.”
Me: “Because you’re a virgin?”
Colton: “I dated Tia, Becca’s friend from Arie’s season.”
My mind spun in 1,002 different directions. When he began to explain that they were briefly together (aka they took the highway to the bone zone) but that he came on the show for Becca (and a chance at Bachelor in Paradise with Tia), I immediately did the *bullshit* cough to myself in my apartment. But we won’t have to wait long — Tia will be on the show next week to spill the tea-uh, ya feel me?
While Colton sweats his Jergen’s off, Wills gets the group date rose, and we get tee’d up for one hell of an episode next week.
We finally arrive at the cocktail party and rose ceremony. Becca plays a quick round of Kissing Bandit with a football player and the Venmo guy, with Tall Hair redeeming himself by letting Becca throw a photo of him into the Bachelor mansion pool.
But never to be outdone, Jordan decides to take it to a new level — by stripping down to his skivvies to show Becca another side of him. Regardless of which side he’s referring to, Jordan fully embodies Tyra Banks’ iconic fashion tip: “Hoe, but make it fashion.”
Jordan manages to be the first man in Bachelor-franchise history to strip down to his briefs and not jump in the pool. Following this stunt, he and The Chicken argue about how to pronounce ingenuity. I swear, this show manages to lower the bar every single season for any man I might end up dating. At this point, I’m going to start bringing a pocket dictionary to bars so he can pick a page and pronounce all the words. Our kids will need at least 4 brain cells.
We say goodbye to a few men whose names I cannot remember this week. I’m sure they’re all lovely, but they’re no Grocery Joe.
This week’s Personal Victimization Award goes to our favorite sneaky skeeze, Chris. ICYMI, he’s the guy who blew the whistle on someone who was not Here for the Right Reasons last week. While sitting with Becca and blathering on about something unimportant, Chris mentions he wants to treat his future wife “the way I treat my mom and my sister.” *deep breaths* Okay, my friends — you do not need a mom, sister, female relative, or other biological relation to a lady to know how to treat women. I’m glad you’re nice to them, but don’t treat me like your mom or your sister. Treat me like a random person on the street, your barista, your colleague, your waitress, whatever — because it is a hell of a lot easier to see what a man is truly like based on how he respects people he doesn’t know than the ones he does. End rant.
Next week, we’ll get to see Colton reunite awkwardly with Tia (which i’m sure was totally coincidental and not at all planned) and watch Jordan weave “professionality” into a sentence. It’s gonna be a roller coaster, so buckle up.
Until then.
XOXO,
Recap Girl