The Bachelorette Episode 2: You Want a Pizza Me?

Bachelor Nation,

Well, well, well…fancy meeting you here! I know, I know what I said. You are not hallucinating. I’ve decided to return to the scene of the crime. And, dare I say it, the break was desperately needed. Transparently, these recaps and the franchise became a burden rather than a break — and in this world, mental health comes before snarkily commenting on young 20-somethings and their pursuit of Instagram sponsorships. But I’m giving it another go now — after all, our queen Michelle deserves all the support she can get. And I’m ready to roast these guys like a marshmallow on a camping trip that reminds you precisely why you appreciate indoor plumbing. So without further ado…let’s go.

The season officially kicks off with Tayshia and Michelle looking gorgeous while not eating the pastries in front of them. I firmly believe that’s why they look so gorgeous. I would be sitting between them inhaling croissant after croissant looking like a sewer-dwelling mole person. And that’s why you’ll never see me on this show. Chips and salsa for dinner does not a Bachelorette make.

The first date is ready to roll with Brandon, Romeo, Rick, PJ, Will, Olumide, Casey, Daniel, LT, and Peter. Do I know who any of these men are without their respective chryons and headshots? Absolutely not. But I could spot Rick and his…