The Bachelorette Episode 5: Chris You’re Doing Amazing, Sweetie
Why hello, Bachelor Nation,
Fancy meeting you here. It’s Monday, and you know what that means: drinking a socially acceptable amount of white wine while watching a verbal slap fight amongst supposedly grown-ass men. Let’s go.
This week, the men traveled to Las Vegas, a great place to find someone who will drunkenly marry you for a regrettable period of time. I’m so single I’m seriously considering buying a ticket.
The first date of the week goes to Colton, our resident human Build-A-Bear. Traipsing out to the desert for a romantic camel ride, they attempt to hold hands and be cute while riding, but the camels make sure that doesn’t happen. And considering Colton’s virginity, the only humps present are on the animals.
At the evening portion of the date, Colton and Becca recount their respective romantic histories. Colton tells Becca he has only been in love once, which leads him to tell her he has a negative association with love. Hey readers, you know who wouldn’t have a negative association with love?
They exchange giddy nonsense, and Colton gets the rose. Yuck.
The group date is up next, and it has everything we never wanted. Don’t believe me? Well, allow me to introduce…Wayne Newton. You read that right. Bachelorette producers popped two new AA batteries into his back, stuck him on a horse, and gave him a kick in the ass to start this date. He tasks the guys with writing a song to the tune of Danke Schoen, a song that should only ever be heard while watching Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.
But that’s not all — the guys will be performing these songs in front of a live audience in Las Vegas. This is the only show on television that takes pride in ruining a Nebraska tourist’s weekend getaway with some off-key warbling that will likely induce bleeding from the ears. For some reason, the guys apologize in advance for ruining Wayne Newton’s song. Guys — it’s Danke Schoen, not Layla. The song was sh*tty to begin with.
Since my secondhand embarrassment is so severe I can’t even watch Elle Woods in the bunny suit, I immediately mute my TV. So, judging only by general vibe sans sound, it looks like Venmo John and Chris-Not-Eddie-From-Friends perform the best. At the evening portion of the date, Becca has a little romantic time with everyone, except for Chris. Blake says he’s falling in love with her and ultimately gets the rose. After Becca departed, Chris threw what can only be described as a hissy fit, saying he’s going to send himself home. More on this later.
We’ve finally arrived at the iconic two-on-one date. Jordan and David hate each other so much, Becca took them out to the desert to what looks like the set of Breaking Bad, which means this should end well for everyone involved.
But instead of focusing on Becca, David and Jordan both take their time to focus on each other. David says that Jordan was hitting on other women in the casino and said being with Becca would be “settling,” which Jordan vehemently and angrily denies. And that brings us to our Quote of the Week. Paraphrased from a furious diatribe, Jordan let a few gems fly at David:
“You’re a little rat b*tch ass m*ther f*cker. You’re uninspiring, you lack charisma, you lack your own personality.”
This dude might be one of the biggest asshats to ever grace our television screens, but every word out of his mouth is pure gold. I fully plan on including “rat b*tch ass m*ther f*cker” in future insults. Enemies beware.
Ultimately, in a stunning turn of events, Jordan survives the day portion and David is left in his desert cabana. Oh, David. I hope you and the blood blister on your eye have a safe flight home.
That evening, Becca says she’s looking forward to getting to know Jordan better. So naturally, Becca and Jordan talk about…just Jordan. In a scene that is quite literally ripped directly from 10 Things I Hate About You, Jordan consistently brings up his modeling career, his beauty regime, and wishes he had his portfolio handy. He is the real-life embodiment of Joey Donner.
Ultimately, Becca decides to send Jordan home. His exit interview is just as majestic as you’d imagine it to be, as he rides away to the sound of fireworks in the background. Farewell, Jordan. May you and your ironed jeans have more luck in the modeling world of Florida.
At the cocktail party, Becca pulls Chris aside first. He kicks off their discussion with, “So you owe me, like 50,000 kisses this week,” which easily earns our Personal Victimization Award.
Owes you, kisses, Chris? SHE OWES YOU?! Just because Becca didn’t talk to you on the group date this week, that does not mean she has to pay you literal lip service. You should really cool it on the hair gel because I think it’s negatively impacting your cognitive functions. YES CHRIS THAT IS ME CALLING YOU AN IDIOT. Thinking someone owes you physical intimacy is the foundation of an abusive relationship, so please forgive Becca if she’s disinclined to acquiesce to your request, Chris.
Moving right along, Chris pulls Colton and Garrett aside for a Lil Bitch Fest (I hereby reserve this as my rap name). He then comes to the incorrect conclusion that he should then interrupt Wills for a second chance with Becca. After much resistance, Wills says he’ll give them two minutes to connect. And my man must have had a stop watch because he left for a moment and then, like clock work, he popped back up like the Huns out of the snow.
After much resistance from Chris, Becca and Wills finish their talk, and Chris runs away to mope some more. He finally gets his chance to talk to Becca, and says how he knows he messed up. Quick honestly, I tuned out after this. It’s bad enough he looks like Eddie from Friends, but now his words match his dumb face. And that’s just insulting.
It’s time for the rose ceremony, and much to my chagrin, we bid farewell to Venmo John. He was a late breaking favorite this season, with both the brains and appropriate nerd-level of brawn to restart my cold, dead heart. Here’s hoping we see more of him in paradise, but until that day comes, we’re stuck with Chris for at least one more week.
Next week Becca and her still-too-many-of-them men are headed to Richmond, Virginia. And lest we forget, The Other Lauren B.’s family (aka the woman Arie left Becca for) lives in that area. Normally, I’d think this would make for some phenomenal television, but Becca (and the rest of Bachelor nation) has been through enough.
Until then.
XOXO,
Recap Girl
