The Bachelorette Episode 6: Everybody Hates Chris
Well hello there, Bachelor Nation,
It’s Monday night once again, and I have to be honest. This season is getting tougher and tougher to watch with every passing week. Between Lincoln, Garrett, and Chris, these dudes are problematic as hell. But I’ve devoted too much of my life to this show, and I’ll be damned if one of those hair gel-huffing weirdos takes me down. Let’s go.
We find ourselves in Richmond, Virginia, which Becca rightly points out is the polar opposite of Las Vegas. This also marks my favorite part of the season, wherein the lead becomes a low-budget Alex Trebek and mentions nonsense facts about their location whenever there’s a lull in the conversation. Becca is basically Malcolm from She’s the Man, but just the part where they’re eating lunch and he’s trying to hit on Olivia via baloney sandwich.
The date card arrives and Jason gets the first one-on-one. But then Lincoln and Chris decide to step into the ring together over Chris saying he’d love to go on a hypothetical two-on-one. In Bachelor-speak, that’s the equivalent of having Coke or Pepsi as options, but being okay if you get a bag of glass instead. Garrett said it best: “It was like Dumb and Dumber, but I didn’t know which was which.” Whatever it was, we saw Chris go from Eddie to The Screamer in about 4.2 seconds.
Moving right along, Jason and Becca start their date at an unhappy hour with an Edgar Allan Poe fan club. Y’all, it’s 2018. We’re living in a perpetual unhappy hour. After doing sad yoga with a contortionist, Jason gets surprised at a brewery with three of his besties from home. He’s ecstatic, they drink, it’s all lovely.
During the evening portion, he tells Becca about his grandmother’s battle with Alzheimer’s. Becca, in turn, tells Jason about her dad’s passing when she was 19. No snark included here, folks — you know the drill. Jason gets the rose. While I was quick to judge Jason due to his ’do, this resurgence has led me to doubt every left swipe I’ve made on Tinder due to severe disagreement with his hair.
For this week’s group date, some idiot producer decided it’d be a good idea to stage a live debate. And much like the 2016 presidential election, this one also included a known sexual predator.
Everything starts off easy, but Chris says, “Hold my beer” and launches into round two, going after every single guy remaining. The next time any man says, “Women are too emotional,” I’m going to drag his ass by the ear to the computer and press play on this episode. I don’t even want to give this guy more air time, but apparently Lincoln called him a “fat ass” and he did not enjoy that.
At the night portion of the date, Becca is clearly in a bad mood, which means it’s time for Chris to shoot his shot. Attempting to start off nice and sweet, Becca confronts him about rumors she’s heard that he’s “scary” and “dangerous.” And like any totally normal and mentally stable man, Chris starts laughing.
Though Chris attempts to defend himself, Becca continues to push, insinuating she has doubts. He retorts that, “That hurts me inside.” I don’t think I’ve ever said this, but Chris should consider becoming a Scientologist. That seems more like his vibe than The Bachelorette.
Once Garrett saves Becca from Sir Gripes-A-Lot, Chris morphs into a second Ben Stiller character for round three with the fellas.
When Bitch Fest 2018 begins, Connor is now in on it because Lincoln brought his name up — Lincoln claimed Connor said he felt threatened and scared of Chris. Gee, I can’t imagine why. Chris decides he’s going down in a blaze of glory, and everyone begins yelling simultaneously. It hurts my brain, and much to Chris’s chagrin, Becca opts to give Life Size Build-A-Bear the rose.
Finally we get to move onto Leo’s date. And while low-budget Jason Momoa’s hair is still as captivating as it’s always been, this time his mouth got me excited. After Becca told him what happened the previous night, Leo gave an interview and dropped our Quote of the Week:
“I wanted her to feel okay. There’s no reason for her to feel any bad feelings. She should feel like she has freedom to do what she wants, and to make the best decisions for her future.”
FOUR FOR YOU LEO, YOU GO LEO (and none for Chris or Lincoln BYE). How it took us this long to get a man to say this on The Bachelorette, I’ll never know. Print that sh*t on a pillow or a coffee mug and sell it on Etsy because I will purchase every single one and give them out like Oprah’s Favorite Things.
They shuck oysters, he gets the rose, there’s nothing more to say. Yay Leo.
And just when you think we’re ready for a cocktail party and rose ceremony, Chris decides he’s just not done yet. Whipping out his pen and paper, he goes full Regina George and begins writing what looks like a Burn Book in a dimly lit hotel room. Y’know, like normal people do.
He marches to Becca’s hotel room and says he’s going to reveal some red flags about Lincoln. What are these red flags, you ask? Well according to Chris, “Lincoln eats 12 eggs per day. His cholesterol has to be like 6,000.”
SERIOUSLY? Your big red flag is that he might have high cholesterol?! Chris talks at Becca for a short time, saying how he can absolutely see himself marrying her (sure Jan), even though he nearly sent himself home last week. In response, she finally does the most relieving thing in the world — and sends him home.
He tries to talk her out of it, saying he thinks they have something unique. Becca stands her ground and offers to walk him out, to which he tells her to not to. Chris leaves in a huff, and she rightly locks the door. See ya never, Chris. Don’t let the door hit ya where the Good Lord split ya.
At the rose ceremony, we bid a fond farewell to Connor, and a good f*cking riddance to Lincoln. I have nothing more to say — a man was convicted of sexual assault while his appearance on a reality television show was airing, and based on the footage shown, it seemed producers didn’t give a sh*t. So that’s cool.
This week’s Personal Victimization Award goes to this week’s only dearly departed. During the group date, Connor decided to wear an aggressively open button down — and his glasses. Without the spectacles, he would have looked like John Travolta dancing with Cha Cha diGregorio in Grease. But the glasses made him look like a slutty Clark Kent and I was in.to.it. Where has Glasses Connor been hiding all this time? I’d been calling him Tall Hair because he had no other defining attributes. And now we get the glasses the week he leaves? What a waste. Someone please snatch his contacts when he inevitably goes to Paradise. I’ll find a way to get you the Nobel Peace Prize for this sacrifice for your country.
Next week the real international destinations begin. I’m also prepping myself for the GoFundMe launch to get The Bachelorette a better travel budget. We went to Richmond and Fort Lauderdale I’m back-to-back seasons. This isn’t America’s Next Top Retiree — it’s The Bachelorette.