The Bachelorette Episode 7: You’re a Virgin Who Can’t Drive
Well hello, Bachelor Nation,
On a warm Monday night, a reality TV star had to make a difficult decision between multiple candidates that could alter the course of history. Also The Bachelorette was on. Let’s go.
We’ve officially graduated to greener pastures because Becca and her fellas are in the Bahamas. No slight to Richmond (this is definitely a slight to Richmond), but talk about an upgrade. They’re staying at Not the Atlantis Resort which is a huge missed opportunity to reenact Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen’s seminal classic, Holiday in the Sun, featuring a baby Megan Fox.
Becca and Chris have a quick sit down when she laments that “at the end of this, I can only end up with one person.” And honestly, that’s a damn shame. That Utah Bret Michaels has a whole show on TLC called Sister Wives — why can’t we have Brother Husbands? It’s 2018, people, and this is what we meant when we said we wanted gender equality.
Colton gets the first one-on-one date, and not a moment too soon because — I don’t know if you knew this — Colton is a virgin.
But before he can drop that bomb on Becca, they spend their day on a boat and diving for…conch. Look, I’m always down for a good pun, but we’ve been whacked over the head with this Colton-is-a-virgin stuff that I now have a cartoonish bump atop my head. Time to retire this schtick for the season.
And finally, the moment arrives — Colton tells Becca he’s a virgin. And her response could not have been more perfect, giving us our Quote of the Week:
“Really?” — Becca
GIRL SAME. I’m not going to expound on Colton’s virgin status — that’s his decision to make. Becca seems a bit shocked (join the club) but ultimately gives him the rose. She just needs to make sure Colton has his license after that revelation. Cover those bases, boo.
The next one-on-one goes to Garrett. They spend the day on the beach, have dinner, and talk about their feelings. Garrett got the rose. And that’s it. This date was so uneventful I nearly fell asleep. All I kept thinking about was how much sand must have been getting in Becca’s swimsuit while they made out on the beach. Sand is nature’s glitter and that sh*t will stick with you no matter how much you shower. Ultimately I’m surprised Garrett didn’t go full Joey.
But before we move forward in this journey, Donald Trump popped onto our screens to announce his choice to replace the Honorable Justice Anthony Kennedy, King of Poor Timing. Naturally, this earns our Personal Victimization Award for this week. Looking every bit like a college girl from 1998–2002 who hadn’t learned the correct combo of self-tanner and bronzer, He Who Must Not Be Named launched into his patented Serious Whisper™ to announce who will get to alter the course of history and as predicted, he chose Brett Kavanaugh. That’s right, kids — it’s 2018 and we might have a Supreme Court Justice named Brett. What a time to be alive. I empty my bottle of wine just in time to see Trump short circuit when Kavanaugh talks about loving his wife.
Adding insult to injury, we return from this consequential announcement to the sounds of the Baha Men, who clearly still haven’t discovered who let those dogs out. But it’s time for Blake’s date, so I digress. Blake is quite possibly the best Bachelorette contestant we’ve had in a long time. He’s sincere but not sappy, sweet but not dopey, and apparently a very good dancer. His hips don’t lie. I’m getting strong Ben Higgins vibes, but a little less Jesus-y, and I’m definitely into it.
Blake and Becca clearly have a strong connection, and he tells her he’s in love with her. And I am drinking the Kool-Aid. This is cute and provides a brief moment of respite from, oh, I don’t know, the impending state of our judicial system. Blake gets the rose.
And that leaves us with the three-on-one with Jason, Wills, and Leo. After spending the day on the beach, Becca sends Leo home as her feelings are not where his are. Taking Wills and Jason to the night portion, there’s a bit more difficulty in making this decision. Both guys are legitimately good, but Jason comes out the winner and gets the rose. We see Wills in what I’m affectionately calling the Heartbreak Hurse, clearly distraught after Becca sends him home.
Well, Bachelor Nation, we’re officially set up for hometowns. Next week we’ll get to see parents who are a little too trigger happy give their blessing to marry their child. This week only makes me more thankful for my parents who would be thrilled to say, “Who are you again?” if I were ever a contestant on this show.
Until then.
XOXO,
Recap Girl
