The Bachelorette Episode 8: The Back Home Ballers
Oh Bachelor Nation,
This week was a bit different for me. I’m on a road trip out west with one of my besties and I have to be honest — I was nervous I’d let you all down. Who knew where we’d be for this week’s episode of hometown dates, and if I’d be able to write the recap? What would I do? But the Lord himself, the Almighty Christopher Harrison, heard my cries and knew he needed to send me a Bachelor miracle. And lo and behold, Roseann arrived (no, not that one). That’s right — our Air Bnb host is as big a Bachelor fan as I am. She’d recorded the episode, and we watched together. Readers, it was like seeing into my future. And my future is Roseann. With all that said, it’s time for hometowns. Let’s go.
First up is Garrett, who gets the first of four Jump Hugs™. Must be nice to be a dainty lady dating four strong men who can brace themselves.
They spend some time on the farm before meeting his family. Readers, I tried to focus on this date. Truly. But as the night went on, Garrett’s entire family continued to place blame squarely on his ex-wife for all things that went wrong in their relationship. From my standpoint, it takes two to tango, so I’m not quite on board with everything happening here. I want to believe in their relationship, because Becca is so clearly happy with him, but I also want to hear the ex-wife’s side of things. Regardless, it seems like his family and friends genuinely like Becca, and they both leave excited for what’s to come. I’m just proud of Garrett for changing his facial expression to Not Smiling during at least 10% of this date. Homeboy regularly looks like he slept with a hanger in his mouth.
Next up is Jason, Buffalo’s finest and the sole reason for the success of its hair gel industry. Becca gives him the second Jump Hug™ and he tells her they have a full day of excitement ahead. And boy, do they ever. First stop is a local pub for a wing eating contest, and then they’re off a hockey rink to reenact The Cutting Edge. You guys, this is my kind of date. I was born with skates on my feet and hockey players are (in my opinion but it should be your opinion too) the sexiest of the athletes. This date settled it. I’m still a fan of Joe the Grocer and Venmo John, but count me in as an enthusiastic member of Team Jason.
Becca gets to meet Jason’s family next, which includes his parents, brother, and brother-in-law. All of the points and Four For You’s to this family — I can’t think of a bad thing to say. With all that said, Jason’s brother gave him some of the best advice we’ve ever heard on this show, leading to a rom-com level speech that would knock Nicholas Sparks on his ass:
“When I’m with you, I can’t stop smiling. When I go to bed, I can’t stop thinking about you. And when I wake up, I want to be with you, and I don’t want to stop kissing you. All that does is tell me one thing…and it tells me that I’m so insanely, wildly, in love with you. I could say it with more confidence than I’ve ever been able to say anything. I don’t say things lightly. I don’t say them and I don’t forget them. And I can’t wait for what’s to come with us.”
Where in the hell did this dude come from? And is he still single because HEY HI HELLO I’M AVAILABLE.
Next stop is Blake’s hometown and the third Jump Hug™. Blake took Becca on a tour of his high school, which has been a popular choice for many of these guys. If it were me, it’d involve a lot of visits to the band room and quips like, “Did you know some people only straighten the top layer of their hair because they didn’t know any better?” After saying hello to former teachers, Blake tells her about another pivotal event in his life — a school shooting during his senior year. I can’t imagine what that must be to go through, and Blake was obviously shaped heavily by it. What’s most shocking to me is that producers decided to show this conversation given today’s climate. Either way, it’s an important conversation to have, and I’m glad they did. To cap off the day and provide some levity, Blake takes Becca into the auditorium for a concert. And who is performing? BETTY WHO. AN ARTIST WE ALL KNOW AND LOVE. Now Richmond, Virginia makes sense — they needed to conserve budget for Betty Who.
Becca meets Blake’s family, he continues to tell her he’s in love with her, and she departs. They’re so clearly infatuated with each other that there’s not much more to say. God Bless Blake, and God Bless The Bachelorette.
The final hometown and Jump Hug™ belongs to Colton. I know he’s speaking to camera about how excited he is for this date with Becca, but his expression isn’t matching his words. In fact, I don’t think his eyebrows have moved in weeks. As someone with overactive eyebrows, this makes me suspicious, but I must digress. They spend the day at the children’s hospital, playing with kids with cystic fibrosis, and the snark momentarily escapes me. Regardless of my feelings on Colton, he has devoted his life to a good thing. We should all be a bit more charitable.
When Becca meets Colton’s family, we get a glimpse into a real-life My Big Fat Greek Wedding situation where there’s more people than names in the world. One bundt is not enough to feed them all.
Now here’s where things get interesting. When Colton’s dad pulls him aside for the requisite fireside chat, he immediately launches into questions about Tia. I don’t know about you, but I generally don’t tell my parents about people I’m dating until it’s serious. Colton’s dad knows enough about Tia that I’m feeling like might have been more serious than he originally let on. What a little scam artist. But then, when Colton’s dad speaks with Becca, he drops the hammer and says, “I don’t want you to pick him.” I mean…Jesus. Call his dad Roy Scheider cuz he just blew up his son’s chances with Becca.
Returning to LA, Becca meets up with her girls one last time to talk about her adventures and how Jason is the best kisser. But none of that matters because once again, this is all about Tia and Colton and Becca. Tia pulls Becca aside to talk and, surprise surprise, she still has feelings for Colton — feelings so strong that it “makes her sick” to think he’s still here. Becca is understandably pissed, which leads us to our Quote of the Week:
“Well f*ck, I wish I would have known that.” — Becca
Becca is at her best as Bachelorette when she takes off her PR-pro hat and says what she’s thinking. She continues telling Tia that she wants to support her and wouldn’t want to lose a friendship over a boy. Um, yeah, I should say not — especially not Colton. You can’t trust a man whose eyebrows don’t move.
Before we get into the Rose Ceremony, we need to take a detour for some unintentional comedy. As Chris Harrison greets each guy, it seems like all is going according to plan. And then Colton shows up, says hi to Chris, and essentially says, “Hey. So idk if you knew this about me, but I’m a virgin. If Becca asks me to the Fantasy Suite, should we bone? What do I do? I’m so confused.” Chris Harrison looked so taken aback that I’m certain he short-circuited before giving Colton his version of The Talk. And unlike Colton, his eyebrows were working overtime.
But ultimately, that question was moot as Colton was let go this week. Between his past with Tia and the overall inexperience in relationships, no one should be shocked. Enjoy paradise, Colton. Please work on a natural tan so you can cool it on the spray.
This week’s Personal Victimization Award was tough to give out, since I’m honestly so emotionally exhausted that I cannot find a f*ck to give or a victimization to personalize. But this week’s goes to Colton’s mom and her Colorado couture. She seems like a nice lady, but that royal blue, open-sleeved shirt points to everything wrong with fashion today. And the worst part is, I have a shirt that looks very similar, and now I’m going to have to burn it. Sorry, Banana Republic.
Next week we’ll get Fantasy Suite dates, and Becca will officially have her first Mesnick-level cry fest. I cannot wait.
Until then.
XOXO,
Recap Girl
