The Bachelorette Episode 9: No Tears Left to Cry
Well hello, Bachelor Nation!
I’ve returned from vacation, which means we’re all back on the straight and narrow path to Becca finding her forever (or for the next six months) love. Let’s go.
This week brings us to Chiang Mai, Thailand for Fantasy Suite dates. And since there are officially no more virgins left in the cast, everyone is free to bone as much as their hearts desire. Or not. No presh.
Becca says she’s in love with Garrett and Blake, but just falling for Jason. So this should bode well for our hair-gelled friend. But ultimately the first date goes to Blake, an adorable Cheerio. They venture through Chiang Mai on a hike wherein they’re not allowed to touch. Only on The Bachelorette would they take a game siblings play to piss each other off and turn it into a way to manufacture sexual tension. At the end, monks give them some love and life advice, and they bang a gong — a nice foreshadowing to the banging that will occur later in the evening.
During their evening date, Blake expresses his concern that she’ll be more in love with another guy than she will be with him, a fair concern considering the show they’re on. Further discussing their future together, Blake eventually drops a line worthy of Sex and the City (but the part of the series when Big kinda finally got his shit together) and earns our Quote of the Week.
“I’m a man who looks for reasons to stay, not reasons to go.” — Blake
I MEAN COME ON. We’re not worthy of Blake. Becca says Blake makes her feel things she’s never felt in any other relationship. Girl, same…and we’re not even dating. They spend the night together, and Becca miraculously wakes up with false eyelashes and a full face of makeup. PSA to any men watching: we do not wake up with mascara and false eyelashes applied because that shit hurts and it’s bad for your skin. Thank you for coming to my beauty-themed TED Talk.
Jason’s date is next, and…oh no. We’re at DEFCON 2 — he got a regular hug sans run-and-jump. I already have a bad feeling about this. I know the way you know about a melon (NAME THAT MOVIE — write it in the comments!). As they walk around a market eating crickets, it only gets worse from there. They go into a temple and the talk turns to the future, when Becca slips up and says something about making plans in his apartment in Seattle. She panics and excuses herself, clearly having the moment when she knows Jason isn’t the one for her. While says it’s because she’s not sure that she sees a future with Jason, she did just eat crickets, so I’m trying to convince myself it’s a bit of indigestion. Who really knows.
The night portion rolls around, and the vibe entirely changes. As is typical of this time in the show, the suitor tells the suited just how much they’re in love, which Jason does for Becca. And this is Becca’s face during and after his love monologue.
Woof. That’s when she ominously excuses herself again, only to return and dump him immediately. But Jason being the class act he is, he doesn’t spout terrible things and become vindictive. He fights for their relationship, and when he’s sure it won’t continue, he tells Becca, “I came into this rooting for your happiness, and I’m going to leave rooting for your happiness. I always will.” People — get you a man (or lady) who, if they were to dump you, would do so like Jason.
Jason is punch-you-in-the-heart sincere and it is making this even harder than it needs to be. They leave each other crying, and we have our new favorite for the next Bachelor (pending outcome of the finale all rights reserved for Blake thank you very much). I just hope that every hair gel company in America sends this mug decades worth of product because he needs a pick-me-up pronto.
With that heartbreak under our belts, Garrett gets the final date in Thailand. They raft down a river and talk about their feelings while a baby elephant plays in the background. I’m not sure what they talked about…I was distracted by the baby elephant. Let’s call him Charlie. Charlie the Baby Elephant. Charlie gets my rose for the week.
Okay sorry — back to Garrett. Garrett and Becca spend the evening portion of their date talking about their feelings, wherein Garrett finally tells Becca he loves her. As much as I’m not here for their relationship, we finally saw him get emotional talking about his feelings — which means he has a setting other than Perpetual Grin. It’s not that I need everyone to be miserable all the time, but a little variance is nice. I’m not even convinced he gets hangry, and that seriously might be the biggest red flag.
But just when we think we’re heading straight to a rose ceremony wherein we already know the outcome, Jason pops up out of nowhere.
If you were thinking he’d be asking Becca for a second chance, think again — because instead he broke our hearts all over again. Getting the closure he needed from her, Jason left in the most graceful and classy manner that’s ever been seen on this show. He left behind a scrapbook of their time together, further cementing his status as one of the most beloved contestants of all time — hair gel and all.
The rose ceremony remains anti-climactic, with Blake and Garrett receiving the remaining roses. And that brings us to this week’s Personal Victimization Award. I…I have nothing. Every year we start out strong — the snark, the stupidity, the gimmicks, everything, which makes it incredibly easy to hand out the awards. But this is when we get serious and stressed, and I’m not feeling victimized anymore. So I guess I’m trying to say that I’m feeling Personally Victimized that it gets more challenging to hand out a Personal Victimization Award. I’m really excited for the Men Tell All and Bachelor in Paradise — this sincerity crap is getting old. Bring back Jordan and his dumbass gold shorts. I need my Monday’s to reset to the nonsense that makes me wonder about the state of humanity. That would be a pleasure.
Next week we go to the Maldives, which is in the top 5 of my travel bucket list. So prepare for some pained and desperately jealous notes in the recap. You have been warned.
Until then.
XOXO,
Recap Girl
