The Bachelorette Finale: So Long and Thanks for All the Booze
Well, Bachelor Nation,
I don’t know about you, but I’m exhausted. I felt in my bones it wouldn’t end well, and unfortunately, I was right. But there’s no point in delaying the inevitable. The episode was the everyday equivalent of going to the dentist. Fair warning — I’m glossing over some parts to get to the good stuff. This was three hours long, give me a break. With that said — and for the final time this season — let’s go.
Our long national nightmare is nearly over, but what would it be without Chris Harrison telling us it’s the most emotional finale he’s ever seen. I tend to not believe him, and yet…he wasn’t lying this time.
Following a brief jaunt on a computerized map clearly snatched from the best of Mary Kate and Ashley films, we arrive in the Maldives for the final leg of the worst marathon in history. Becca recounts her relationship with both Blake and Garrett while unnaturally leaning against the front of a boat. Only on The Bachelorette is that acceptable. If I tried something similar, I’d topple right off the front, get hit by the bow, and while half-drowning shout, “It’s just a flesh wound!”
Our Parental Inquisitions are up first, and Garrett and Blake both charm the pants off Becca’s family. Garrett’s eyes get leaky talking to her sister, saying “she’s my person.” The amount of quote crossover between The Bachelorette and Grey’s Anatomy is aggressive. I get that they’re both on ABC, but the next person who wants to quote that scene should get expressed written consent from the ghost of Derek Shepherd.
Meanwhile, Blake is more even keeled than he’s ever been, which makes me wonder, have we been seeing the real Blake this whole time? Or is his anxiety a figment of our imagination?
Sorry — had a minor Carrie Bradshaw hallucination. I’m back. Blake continues his courting of Becca’s family with a sentence that every man in America should say on a regular basis. And it has earned our first Quote of the Week:
“I was surrounded by strong women my entire life. So I tend to gravitate towards strong, independent women.” — Blake
In the words of Walter White, “YOU’RE GODDAMN RIGHT.” Look — traditional gender roles still dictate that men should provide for and protect the woman. I’m all for a tall, burly, protective-looking man. But you should always be able to handle your own sh*t and not rely on another person. To steal a line from Friends, “Be your own wind keeper, Rachel!” Full disclosure: this #LilFeministRant was brought to you by Three Glasses of Red Wine™ (No relation to Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri).
Becca sits with her family to debate the pros and cons. We don’t need to spend much time here. You get the gist — her family liked them both for different reasons, while mine would have used this time to say, “Thanks for the free vacation but what the f*ck are you thinking?!” Y’know, like normal parents (and sister).
Garrett and Blake each have their final one-on-one dates. Garrett and Becca take out a boat and see dolphins, when he drops the second Quote of the Week (an absolute gem) on us:
“Maybe it’s the girl, maybe it’s the equator, but I’m feeling on top of the world right now.” — Garrett
Honestly, who knows — it could be neither. Maybe it’s Maybelline? We may never find out. I’m not sure if Garrett was going for a metaphor here, but if he thinks the Equator is The North Pole, we have bigger fish to fry.
Blake and Becca ride bikes, talk about their feelings, they make out in the ocean. Nothing to really see here, folks.
And now it’s time for the rings. Looking every bit like a worn leather satchel in the wild wild west, Neil Lane makes his annual pilgrimage to a far off land with Free Engagement Rings. In my not-so-humble opinion, Blake wins. But everyone has different tastes, so as long as Becca likes it, then yay for her.
Finally, it’s the moment we’ve all been dreading. And off the boat first…is…
Blake.
I’m going to save you from all the thoughts in my head. It boils down to this — I felt physically ill the entire time. I’ve trained my heart to be a block of stone watching this show, and yet, I was near tears. Yes, Mom and Dad, I’m serious. I know you read these recaps so please don’t disown me. Blake might have been the most blindsided contestant in history and his disbelief was brutal to watch. He wept heavily into a towel and stared blankly ahead of him, wondering aloud, “I just can’t stop thinking about how happy Becca will be when Garrett proposes.” Following an extended version of “it’s not you, it’s me” from Becca to Blake, he mustered the strength to deliver his parting words — “I love you. Bye.” Holy sh*t.
As if that weren’t enough, Blake popped up on the couch with Chris Harrison to recount everything that had just occurred. He asked Blake if he still loved Becca, to which Blake replied, “I’ll always have love for Becca. She’s a huge part of who I am and who I’m going to be going forward.” What a soundbite for his Bachelor campaign — media training clearly took to him like white on rice. That adorable big-necked man was still so distraught, I wanted to crawl inside my sweatshirt and never come out again. Basically I wanted to become a turtle.
When Becca came out to face him, and it was clear her stylist had the night off because she looked phenomenal. I’m too emotionally exhausted to recount all of the back and forth. Ultimately, Blake got the opportunity to get his closure, and they put this relationship to bed. Figuratively.
Now, it’s Garrett’s turn. Flashing back to Proposal Day, we see Garrett get down on one knee and ask Becca to marry him. And she enthusiastically says yes.
This is one of the problems I have with Bachelor(ette) finales — we spend so much time being sad for the runner up that we can’t be happy for the final couple. I want to be Team Becca so badly…but they are making it really hard. Even the best comedian in the world agrees with me.
Garrett and Becca join Chris Harrison on stage, clearly looking ecstatic together and in love. Chris asks Becca when she knew Garrett was the one, and she recounts when she saw members of Garrett’s family in the airport and then cried into a breakfast quesadilla. If crying into a breakfast quesadilla means you’re in love with a man, then I need to make some phone calls.
They talk about their happy couple weekends, how ready they are to grocery shop, blah blah blah — let’s cut the sh*t. While Garrett’s errors were absolutely nowhere near Lincoln’s missed sexual assault charge, I want to know what Garrett has to say about his social media misgivings. While I doubted they’d actually cover it tonight, ABC thankfully followed through (for once).
Asked point blank about the entire situation, Garrett took full responsibility and said he now realizes the error of his ways, much like his original Instagram apology. And I accepted that apology. But something hit me wrong during tonight’s explanation. Garrett said he realized these likes went against things Becca stood for. That’s true — but what about what you stand for? Did you sincerely believe the messages of those xenophobic and racist Instagram posts? If Becca hadn’t been such a public supporter of more left-leaning organizations and policies, would you have been as apologetic? I want to believe in the power of second chances and that Garrett has learned that double taps on Instagram mean more than a throwaway giggle, but I’m waiting to see the evidence. Fingers crossed for everyone involved.
To end on a lighter note, Chris Harrison sends Becca and Garrett off to Jimmy Kimmel Live is a rickety old van. And all seems well…until you play a light game of I Spy. As the car drives down the ABC lot, a bumper sticker is visible on the car.
Yep, you saw that right — it’s the Human Rights Campaign logo. Whoever from the Bachelor Interns staff slapped that baby on there, give them a raise. I’ll take this miniature win for the season.
And that brings us to our final Personal Victimization Award for this season. There were many contenders, believe me — the overall sweat was a close second. But I’m giving this one to the Bachelorette’s casting department. As viewers, we sincerely look forward to Monday nights for two hours of escapist television. Hell, I risk my relationship with my dad every time I tune in. So, to the casting department, I say this: keep finding your Jordan’s, Venmo John’s, Grocery Joe’s, even your Chris-Not-Eddie-From-Friends’s. But for the love of God, it is 2018. The background checks should include social media and be thorough enough to, oh I don’t know, find a contestant’s sexual assault charge from two years ago. Women have enough sh*t to go through these days — we don’t want to be confronted with all that BS every week on our favorite mindless TV show. Just…do better. I’ve been a loyal viewer for years, and I have the scars to prove it. Please. Help me help you.
Tomorrow night Bachelor in Paradise begins, but full disclosure — as the show will air on consecutive nights, your recap will post Wednesday mornings. And with that, another season of The Bachelorette draws to a close. For everyone that’s been a part of this one, I’m Not Chris Harrison.
Until next time.
XOXO,
Recap Girl
