The Bachelorette: The Definitive Analysis of Becca’s Soon-to-Be Ex-Boyfriends

Guess who’s back…

Back again…

IT’S ME, YA DUMMIES!

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LIEUTENANT DAN!

That’s right, everyone — we’re just 10 days out from The Bachelorette premiere. But before we sink our teeth into Becca’s journey to find Instagram #SponCon, let’s meet the poor guys who we’ll inevitably fall in love with because that’s what happens when you’re single and there’s limited inventory.

Please note: the following opinions are entirely based on the notoriously terrible headshots, job titles, ages, and hometowns provided by ABC. I did not factor in their bios, which bucked tradition this year and went for a short, written bio instead of the traditional questionnaire. Yuck. Regardless, I’m turning up the snark for funsies, so don’t be one of those Sensitive Sally’s and try to defend a dude you have never met. You know the second one of these Calvin Klein rejects offered me a bite of a chicken nugget, I’d be hooked like Sandra Bullock in All About Steve. So let’s just have a good time. But if you happen to be Joe’s mom, I will ditch work and meet you wherever.

Alex, 31 — construction manager from Atlanta, GA. This dude is such a textbook Bachelorette contestant I wouldn’t be surprised if they built him themselves. Not a fan of the whiteness of his chompers, though. They kinda look like doggie dentures. In all honesty though, he looks promising for Becca.

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Tell me I’m wrong and I’ll retract my statement.

Blake, 28 — sales rep from Bailey, CO. I’m not mad at the face. But loosen up the top button, buddy. This is The Bachelorette, not the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

Chase, 27— advertising VP from Sanford, FL. His hair looks like he got 75% of a perm then ran away. Has absolutely watched an ex-girlfriend sleep.

Chris, 30 — sales trainer from Orlando, FL. Chris looks the way Danny Wood from New Kids on the Block thinks he looks. Poor Danny.

Christian, 28— banker from San Diego, CA. The eyebrows are magnificent, but he’s afflicted with TCCT — Tom Cruise Center Tooth syndrome. I’ll wait while you zoom in. Also $20 says he reads poetry to Becca at some point this season.

Christon, 31 — former Harlem Globetrotter from Los Angeles, CA. If he’s a Globetrotter that means he’s fun, charismatic, and tall. I can’t wait for this show to completely ruin that illusion.

Clay, 30 — pro football player from Chicago, IL. In case you couldn’t tell from the circumference of his neck, our buddy Clay here is a football player. But with that turtleneck I’m thinking he’s a paint job shy of auditioning for Blue Man Group. It’s all very conflicting.

Colton, 26— former pro football player from Denver, CO. Don’t ask me how I know this, but he used to date US gymnast Aly Raisman. I’m already skeptical. Also lay off the Jergens self-tanner, bucko — this isn’t Toddlers and Tiaras.

Connor, 25 — fitness coach from St. Petersburg, FL. A trainer? On The Bachelorette? Groundbreaking. My guess is he watched JoJo’s season, saw Robby’s hair and Chase’s profession, and whispered to himself, “Challenge accepted.”

Darius, 26 — pharmaceutical sales rep from Sherman Oaks, CA. I’m not gonna lie, I let out a little “mmph” when I saw Darius. And not just because his name reminded me of Hootie and the Blowfish. Four for you, Darius. You go, Darius.

David, 25 — venture capitalist from Denver, CO. He says he likes guacamole, but he hates avocado? THAT’S NOT HOW THIS WORKS, DAVID. “Hopefully that’s not a dealbreaker for The Bachelorette,” says ABC. You mean that he doesn’t know guacamole is 76% avocado at minimum?! I need to lie down.

Grant, 27 — electrician from Danville, CA. This guy will definitely go for the Smile Direct Club sponsored posts on Instagram. Might be the villain this season.

Garrett, 29 — medical sales rep from Reno, NV. Yeesh, between Grant’s little eyes and this guy’s saucers, this is a massive overcorrection. Can someone’s eyes be too open? Because his eyes are too open. Decent looking dude, though. I am a woman, after all. Also I’m calling it now — Blake and Garrett will have a bromance, and he could also be a contender for Becca’s heart.

UPDATE: Garrett has made some questionable choices on Instagram that point to his personality. And now I’m not a fan. This is why we can’t have nice things.

Jake, 29 — marketing consultant from Minneapolis, MN. Secretly wants to be Kyle MacLachlan in Twin Peaks or Dylan McDermott/Dermot Mulroney in anything at all. He definitely has special loafers for his car, and will order for you at the restaurant.

Jason, 29— corporate banker from Seattle, WA. If Jersey Boys ever comes back on Broadway, watch out for this guy to audition for Tommy deVito. Has said, “Ma!” in the last 3 weeks. Regularly uses hair chutney. Hears the name “Eddie Munster” on a regular basis from any woman over 57.

Jean Blanc, 31 — colognoisseur from Pensacola, FL. Jean Blanc, I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt because you resemble an attainable Sterling K. Brown, but that job title (and the smell it likely comes with) hurts my brain.

Joe, 31 — grocery store owner from Chicago, IL. Guys…I got nothing. I’m all in. He’s hot and works in a place that always has snacks. I’d pick an apple from his tree, if ya know what I mean.

John, 28— software engineer from San Francisco, CA. John is my dad’s name, so I already have one foot out the door. But he has the best suit so far, so John can still sit with us.

Jordan, 26— male model from Crystal River, FL. Alright, NOW we’re in business. I can’t remember the last time I saw such a punchable face. He’s ripe to play Ken in a live action reboot of Toy Story 3. In the words of Jean Ralphio Saperstein, this dude is…

Kamil, 30— social media participant from Monroe, NY. Social…media…participant? Same, dude, you aren’t special. Can’t wait to see you do a mediocre acoustic cover of “Freebird” in a cafe after learning four chords on the guitar.

Leo, 31— stuntman from Studio City, CA. So first of all, with that hair, he’s definitely Jason Momoa’s stuntman. Also if he doesn’t sign a deal with Sugar Bear Hair immediately after leaving the show, that will get our first Personal Victimization Award for the season.

Lincoln, 26 — account sales executive from Los Angeles, CA. He was one of the guys on After the Final Rose and called Arie a “wanker.” That’s a move I’ll never forget.

Mike, 27 — sports analyst from Cincinnati, OH. Wishes he was Smith Jerrod. Is actually an even lower budget Bret Michaels.

Nick, 27 — attorney from Orlando, FL. Became an attorney after watching A Few Good Men twice. Regularly shops at Vineyard Vines. The depth of his shirt’s neckline and pristine nature of his hairline shows he cannot be trusted.

Rickey, 27 — IT consultant from San Diego, CA. A bow tie and bomber jacket? Hard pass. Be better, Rickey.

Ryan, 26 — banjoist from Manhattan Beach, CA. He’s a tan Wells Adams who looks like he might try to sell you on becoming a Jehovah’s Witness during the evening commute. My dad will take one look at him and call him a “dope.” God speed, Ryan.

Trent, 28 —realtor from Naples, FL. This guy’s shirt screams “perpetual mansplainer.” He could play Ryan’s mission companion in The Book of Mormon. Good luck in Uganda, Trent.

Wills, 29 — graphic designer from Los Angeles, CA. Wills isn’t a name unless you’re a graphic designer. I’m pretty sure that’s a rule. Needs to trim the lawn atop his head.

Well, that’s everyone for this season. I don’t know what’s more surprising — that 80% of the guys are from either Florida or California, or that none of them live in Nashville. There must be a flaw in the system. Either way, I can’t wait to see how this trainwreck leaves the station. See you May 28 when we…do the damn thing.

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That tagline will haunt my dreams.

Until then.

XOXO,

Recap Girl

Chicago comedian and pop-culture lover, especially The Bachelor. Pro-corgi. Anti-horse. On Twitter @marissasayswhat. To quote Jeb Bush, "Please clap."

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